The Rules of Civility: Manners at Every Age

If Miss Manners showed up unexpectedly to dinner at my house, she would be appalled. My hooligans might be slumped over their plates – some sitting on barstools and some at the table, reaching across their siblings’ plates for another piece of bread or talking with their mouths full. And I can’t promise they would all have napkins in their laps.

But! When it counts, they know how to act. At least there’s that. Life is altogether less formal than it was decades ago. Dress codes have loosened, and the rules of etiquette are not so stringent. But kids still need to know the rules of civility at the dinner table. Understanding basic mealtime manners saves embarrassment for parents and for kids.

Kids need to use their best table manners when they go to a restaurant or have guests over, but it’s best to use basic table manners every day rather than wait for a crash course right before getting together with family for Thanksgiving or another big event.

Here are our tips for mealtime etiquette, for toddlers and beyond.

Toddlers

Teaching manners can begin as soon as kids can talk!

Please and Thank You: How cute is it when you hear a toddler say “please!” and “thank you!” Teach them when they’re young to say please and thank you, and it will become a habit.

Take Turns: Taking turns is hard for older kids, so it can be practically painful for toddlers. But teaching little ones to hang tight while you’re filling plates or passing out sippy cups to each kiddo teaches them manners and patience.

Play Tea Party: They may not be practicing table manners yet in real life, but it’s fun to pretend. Play tea party with your toddlers, so they can model how you ask politely for more tea, and sip rather than slurp. It’s a fun way to sneak in an etiquette lesson.

Preschool

Preschoolers are still little and should be given grace when it comes to table manners. But these are great years of learning and growing!

Set the Table: Let your preschooler set the table before dinner. This can be as simple as putting paper or melamine plates around the kitchen island or can be more formal with cloth napkins and silverware at the table. Either way, give your preschooler some creative expression by letting them choose the plates or the cups they would like to use.

Be Playful: One of the most difficult things for a preschooler to do at the table is sit still. Do a round robin of questions, letting everyone have a turn asking questions like, “What is your favorite color? Would you rather play in the snow or in the sand? If you could fly, where would you go?” Learning to make conversation at the dinner table is a big part of mealtime etiquette!

Dress-Up Dinner: Have a black-tie dinner at home and ask the family to come dressed to the nines. For parents, that might mean a sparkly dress or jacket, but to kids it could mean anything from a Cinderella gown to last year’s Superman Halloween costume to an Easter dress. Let them choose. But let them know that everyone is expected to use their best manners!

Elementary

Expectations rise a bit for elementary school-age kids. By this age, kids can do more to help and participate in mealtime.

Mini Lessons: Sunday dinner, when you might have more time than on a weeknight, is a good time to remind kids of table etiquette. You can’t expect them to know what you haven’t taught them! Quiz them on silverware placement, which way to pass a dish and whether their glass should go on the left or right of their plates.

Let Them Cook: When kids prepare the meal, they’re often more interested in using good manners when they sit down to eat. They will appreciate everyone sitting up straight, the polite conversation and putting their napkins in their laps after they’ve taken the time to make dinner, which can be anything from spaghetti (with your help at the stove) to PB&J with applesauce and milk.

Back to Basics: Remember those things you taught your toddler? It’s always a good idea to circle back to basic manners – saying please and thank you, taking turns to talk and waiting for everyone to come to the table before you start eating.

Table Manners 101

Before your kids leave the house, you want them to feel comfortable anywhere from a barbecue dinner to a country club. Here are some of the basics they should know before they gradate high school.

1. Wait for everyone to sit down before you begin to eat, then wait for a cue from the host to know when you should begin.
2. Cut a piece at a time rather than the entire chicken breast or eggplant parmesan.
3. Same goes with butter. Butter each bite of bread rather than the entire roll or biscuit.
4. When finished eating, place your knife and fork at 4 o’clock. Tell the kids to imagine their plate as a clock.
5. Take small bites and pace yourself when eating – even if it’s delicious! You don’t want to be finished long before everyone else.
6. Chew with your mouth closed. Practice this at home before going out and embarrassing yourself around others.
7. Pass to the right.
8. Think of something to say before dinner starts so that you have a couple of points of dinner table conversation. For little kids, this may be talking about their last soccer game or a project they’re working on at school.
9. Sit up straight. Slouching makes you look uninterested and bored.
10. Don’t point out another’s poor etiquette. If someone at the table grabs your utensils or water glass, just go with the flow.

Recipe

Want to make something delicious while teaching table manners to your kids? Good food is always an incentive.

Kids can help make these no-bake cheesecakes. Serve them with different toppings depending on the season. Sugared and toasted pecans with a caramel drizzle are perfect for Thanksgiving. Crushed candy canes are cute for Christmas.

No-Bake Mini Cheesecakes

Makes 12 mini cheesecakes

• 1 cup graham cracker crumbs (about 8 full graham crackers, crushed)
• 1/4 cup melted butter
• 2 tablespoons granulated sugar
• 1 cup heavy whipping cream
• 1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese, softened
• 1/2 cup powdered sugar
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• Toppings: Caramel drizzle, mini chocolate chips, pecans, fruit or anything you like!

1. Combine the graham cracker crumbs, melted butter and granulated sugar. Mix until combined.
2. Press graham cracker mixture evenly among a 12-cup muffin pan lined with paper or silicone liners. Press the crumb mixture firmly into the bottom of each liner to create the crust. Set aside.
3. Whip the heavy cream until stiff peaks form. Set aside.
4. In a large bowl or stand mixer, mix the softened cream cheese, powdered sugar and vanilla extract until smooth and creamy. Gently fold in the whipped cream until fully combined.
5. Fill each muffin cup with the cheesecake mixture, spreading it evenly over the graham cracker crust and smoothing the tops. Place the muffin pan in the refrigerator for at least 2 hours (or until the cheesecakes are firm).
6. Top with your favorite toppings, and peel off liners before serving.

Natalie Mikles is a mom of three. She writes about food, sharing recipes for busy families and picky eaters. She has been recognized for her food columns as well as features on families and issues affecting local children. Natalie loves pizza and movie nights with her family.