What Parents Need to Know about Childhood Sexual Abuse

It’s one of the worst imaginable situations a loving parent can face—discovering that their child has been exposed to a sexually abusive situation. The very idea of child sexual abuse is so painful and upsetting to think about that many people don’t talk about it at all, until a news report brings something horrific to light. While situations like the event in Henryetta in 2023 that resulted in several tragic deaths catch attention and spark outrage, the reality is that sexual abuse of children is much more prevalent and insidious than most might realize.

Statistics Don’t Lie: It’s All Too Common in Tulsa County

Child sexual abuse is any exploitation of a child for the purposes of sexual gratification of an adult or significantly older person—from actual sex acts to lewdness and exposure, to pornographic exploitation and more. At least one in seven children has experienced child abuse or neglect in the past year in the United States, says Bob Beard, chief development officer for Tulsa’s Child Advocacy Network (CAN), an organization that helps parents and children navigate their way through resources to help them heal. “This is likely an underestimate, because many cases aren’t reported,” he adds.

Child abuse numbers are high, especially in Oklahoma. “Any time child abuse happens, it’s serious, even for one case,” Beard says. “But we are ranked number seven in the nation for cases. Sometimes we beat out high metropolitan cities as well for substantiated cases. In Tulsa County, it’s just jumped pretty dramatically.”

As it turns out, Tulsa County has one of the highest numbers in the state of substantiated cases of sexual abuse in children. A total of 1,629 children went through the Child Advocacy Network in 2023 alone, and 58 percent of them involved sexual abuse. The issue affects girls and boys alike, with just over half of the claims being filed by females. Among them, 45 percent are children ages 6 through 12, while 25 percent are ages 13-17, and 25 percent ages 5 and younger.

One in 11 children in Tulsa County will be involved in the investigation of abuse—and many of these cases will involve sexual abuse. And that’s why it’s crucial for everyone in the community—parents, teachers, neighbors and youth themselves—to understand this danger and how to deal with it should it happen to them or someone they know.

What to Do When Sexual Abuse Comes to Light

If the worst happens and you suspect or know that your child has experienced sexual abuse, what should you do? While it’s never easy to hear a child express that they’ve experienced something abusive, it’s important for parents to take steps that safeguard the child’s physical and emotional well-being. Here’s what to do.

Believe the Child

According to statistics from the Child Advocacy Network, when a child expresses that they have been abused, they are overwhelmingly telling the truth—over 95 percent, to put a number on it. Very few claims are false. “Believe a child if they say it,” Beard says. “As an adult, if a child does come to you, remember they have everything to lose by doing that. So it’s best that they have a safe place to be able to do that.”

Remain Calm, and Maintain Trust

If your first instinct is to panic, you’re not alone—but fight that urge. Remember, your child is being incredibly vulnerable and revealing something that is painful. It’s essential to create a safe space filled with trust. Allow your child to talk about the abuse at their own pace, without bombarding them with questions.

Affirm Your Love and Support

Sexual abuse can create feelings of shame for a child—they may know it was wrong, yet feel responsible for what happened. They may also be confused and unsure of what to do. They may even feel guilty for bothering you, the adult. Make sure your child knows how much you love them. Let them know what happened is not their fault. And make sure they know you are there for them.

Avoid Criticizing the Abuser

Remember that children often have mixed feelings about the person who abused them. In fact, they may love the offender and want to protect them, so refrain from criticizing the offender in front of the child. Instead, support the child and focus on getting professional help. Law enforcement and other experts (like the team at CAN) can help you identify what to do next.

Seek Help from Trained Experts

If you or someone you know is facing this issue, there are local community resources to help both you and your child. Beard says that organizations like CAN exist to connect people with the assistance they need in a time of crisis.

“If a client comes through here, we connect them with 70 different partners in the community,” Beard says. “We have family advocates that are assigned to each client and family, to walk them through the journey after abuse has taken place. We’ll stay with them for a year and be able to help support them.” That support may include finding safe housing, food, clothing and other resources.

Prevention: How to Limit Abuse Risks for Children

Whether your child is barely in elementary school or ready to graduate high school, they are vulnerable to those who would seek to take advantage of them. And that means a parent or guardian’s role is significant in helping to protect and train children to be aware. Knowing what to say to children at different ages and developmental stages can feel difficult, even uncomfortable. It takes time and thoughtfulness to strike the right balance between sharing information to keep children aware, without creating fear and anxiety.

As with any area of parenting, helping your children navigate risks like these and emerge as well-adjusted, confident adults requires an ongoing conversation. The abuse talk is not a one-and-done. Of course, these are not exactly easy conversations. But that’s where resources such as the information available on CAN’s website can be so helpful.

Be Open for Conversations

Develop close communications with your kids. Let them know they can tell or talk to you about anything. In addition, make a rule that there should be no secrets kept from you. Secrets can be dangerous. Encourage your child to tell a trusted adult if they are hurt or worried. Help your child identify who those adults might be.

Explain Bodily Autonomy in a Child’s Terms

One of the most common ways that abusers get in the door is through a child’s natural curiosity. If you aren’t talking to your child about their bodies, someone else will—and what they share may be inappropriate, manipulative and harmful. Teach your child about the parts of the body and sexuality, making sure they know they have a right to body privacy and self-ownership. Let them know they have a right to say no to touching, hugging or anything that makes them uncomfortable.

Know Your Child’s Friends and Families

It is all too easy to become complacent in this area, as children’s friends can change so often as they go through school. Resist that temptation and stay involved in your child’s life by getting to know their friends—including the families of those friends. According to childprotect.org, 90 percent of child sexual abuse victims know the perpetrator in some way, and 68 percent are abused by a family member.

Listen to Your Instincts

It’s important to respect your gut. Often, we sense things even if we don’t know why we feel them. So, if a situation or person makes you uncomfortable, trust that—and respond accordingly. And teach your child to trust their instincts, too.

Stay on Top of Technology

Today’s tech is constantly evolving, and it can feel like there is a lot to keep up with. But there’s still a lot that parents can do to manage their child’s use of technology. Set limits on where and when they can use their computer and phone. Make sure your child knows that they might encounter predators online—and encourage them to keep the lines of communication open with you to talk about anything that concerns them. Install parental controls on their electronics, set their online profiles to private instead of public, and stay aware of what they are doing online.

See Something? Say Something

Preventing child sexual abuse (and other forms of abuse and neglect) is the responsibility of everyone in the community. “In Oklahoma, everyone is required to report suspected child abuse,” Beard notes. That means not just parents and teachers, but also church members, counselors, coaches, neighbors and anyone else in the community.

“Children should be able to say things are happening and they’re hurting,” Beard says. When that happens, the adult should call to report it. They can reach out to the Oklahoma abuse hotline at 800.522.3511 or the National Hotline at 800-4ACHILD (800.422.4453). Reporting allows a case to be opened, so that children can be connected to getting help in a safe environment, telling their story, and beginning the healing process, says Beard.

Signs of Abuse: What to Watch for in Your Children

Intervening in an abusive situation is best done as early as possible to help children and families recover. Knowing the common warning signs is a must. Children of different ages and stages of development may express their experience of sexual abuse in different ways. Here’s what to look for:

Children Aged 2-9

In these early, formative years, children often don’t have the easy vocabulary to describe what is happening. They tend to direct their pain inward or show outward behaviors that are uncharacteristic of them. Signs may include:

• Specific fear around particular people, places or activities
• Regression to earlier behaviors such as bed wetting or stranger anxiety
• Victimization of others
• Excessive masturbation
• Feelings of shame or guilt
• Nightmares or sleep disturbances
• Withdrawal from family or friends
• Eating disturbances

Pre-Teens and Teens

As children enter their preteen and teenage years, their ability to express the abuse may get easier, but the pain remains. They may express their hurt and fear in ways that come across as normal teenage rebellion but are anything but that. You might notice signs in them of:

• Depression and/or anxiety
• Poor school performance
• Promiscuity/overly sexualized behaviors
• Substance abuse
• Anger and/or Aggression
• Running away from home
• Eating disturbances
• Suicidal gestures and/or self-harming behaviors
• Nightmares or sleep disturbances
• Withdrawal from friends and family

Physical signs of abuse

At any age, sadly, physical indicators can arise, too. Among the most common that children and teens may experience are:

• Sexually transmitted diseases
• Pregnancy
• Genital pain, itching and/or bleeding
• Headaches
• Stomachaches
• Problems with sleep — too much, too little or nightmares
• Problems with appetite — eats too much or too little

All of these issues are indicators that the young person is attempting to find ways to protect themselves or find outlets for their painful emotions.