Tuesday at the Toddler Help Desk: A (Very) Short Script
OPENING SCENE: A typical office with bland taupe walls and the odd crayon-drawn memo or motivational poster hung sporadically. A series of small, light grey cubicles fill the space, each one containing a petite chair and Fisher Price Chatter Phone. Sitting in each cubicle is a young child, dressed in adult-sized business clothing and wearing a lanyard, clipped on with a pacifier clip.
NARRATOR: Who do you call when you don’t even know what to call what you see? When your child seems to be…malfunctioning…or needing to be rebooted? Why, the Toddler Help Desk, of course!
A series of beeps and chimes sounds. A phone rings briefly and then is answered.
Madison
MADISON: Hello. Toddler Help Desk. This is Madison. How can I help you?
Madison pauses and fidgets with a Crayola marker lid. Ah, yes. The classic “throwing food” game. Yes, yes, of course. No, don’t worry. There’s no need to reset your baby. It says here on your account that…Aspen, is it?…Yes, Aspen is currently experimenting with fine motor skills, self-help skills such as feeding herself and also noticing that when she drops something from her chair, several unusual things happen.
Madison pauses and nods with a smile. Yes, she’s already noticed that the dog will come over, that someone will make a comment about what she has done and, often, her parents will bend down and collect the item she’s dropped.
Madison nods again, making a note on her construction paper. Of course it’s annoying.
She pauses again, frowning as she listens. Should you punish her? No, that’s not the protocol we recommend with her current software. She’s not deliberately provoking you. She’s just impulsive, curious and feeling empowered. This is one of the first times in her life she has been able to repeatedly solicit a behavior from her caregivers.
Madison pauses and grins. Yes, you’re right. She is a clever girl. Fascinating little people, infants.
Madison pauses once more. You’re welcome. Have a good day!
As MADISON hangs up her Fisher Price phone and reaches for her sippy cup, the phone rings in a neighboring cubicle.
Hunter
HUNTER: Hello. Toddler Help Desk. This is Hunter, but you may call me Bubba if you prefer.
Hunter leans back from the phone looking surprised and then puts it back to his ear. Whew! Yes, that certainly is frustrating.
He leans back again, wincing as the speaker on the phone unleashes a long string of exclamations. I hear you, sir. Yes, this is, surprisingly, something we deal with quite often. I can assure you, your child is not defective.
Hunter pauses and chuckles, shaking his head with an empathetic smirk. Yes, I understand you considered returning him. It’s a good thing he’s so sweet, isn’t it? Okay. Let’s break this one down. Your son is approaching 2 years old, correct? And you’re seeing him smile after doing something cheeky, like throwing a block or hitting his sister? He pauses, bouncing lightly in his chair and chewing on a teether. Well, yes. I certainly understand that it feels like he’s becoming a comic book villain. But if you consult your manual…He pauses again and nods thoughtfully. Ah. You don’t have a manual. It’s alright. I have one here. Chapter Six, Article 3, Subsection B: Children at this age lack the social awareness and mental sophistication to deliberately engage in schadenfreude. You know, feeling pleasure when someone else is suffering. It may make you feel that way, but you’re ascribing an adult motive to childish behavior. It is likely that having done something impulsive and seeing it was a faux pas, that he is experiencing anxiety and unsure what to do next.
Hunter pauses and sips from his Mickey Mouse water bottle. Exactly! Yes. He’s already aware it’s not okay. Staying calm and helping him right the situation or modeling an alternative will help him get out of his “lizard brain” and back into a calmer brainspace. Will there be anything else today?
He listens briefly and laughs. Good one, sir. No, we cannot mail you a copy of that manual. Have a good day!
HUNTER rises and walks to a nearby easel, picking up a marker and doodling. He passes HENRY, who is in his cubicle, trying not to laugh as he listens to the person on the other line.
Henry
HENRY: Oh no! She’s rolling around that much? Yes, that is terribly common. Your child seems to have reverted to “Alligator Mode” during diaper changes.
Henry pauses and nods, making some notes on a Vtech laptop. No worries, ma’am. It’s an easy system reset. To deactivate “wrestling an alligator” mode during diaper changes, simply place a sock on each of your child’s hands.
Henry pauses to listen again. No, really. It’s that simple. A quirk of the programming, believe it or not. Have great day!
FINAL SCENE: As the conversations around the room soften and taper off, we see the staff pulling out nap mats and shutting off their desk lamps. Speakers start playing relaxing music.
NARRATOR: And so, naptime has come to the Toddler Help Desk. But do not fear. They will return after a potty break and a snack, ready to help you reframe the bewildering, developmentally appropriate, yet frustrating toddler behavior that fills your parenting days. In the meantime, take a deep breath, reheat that coffee and remember: You’ve got this!
Alicia Kobilnyk is an Early Childhood Educator who works with young toddlers. She finds joy and inspiration to write in their cheeky shenanigans, as well as those of her three daughters.
