Growing a Grateful Heart: More Is Caught than Taught
Have you ever watched a child, in the absence of adult direction, complete a task with precision or awareness seemingly beyond their age? Whenever I see a young child, barely walking, squat to wipe up a little mess on the floor or a 2-year-old pull a skeptical face and wag a warning finger at an older sibling, I smile. An old adage comes to mind from my early days as a parent: More is caught than taught.
One area where this rings true to me more than most is the process of fostering a grateful heart in young children. How do we lead our little ones from the narrow, self-focused scope of infancy into the openness and conscientiousness of an emotionally healthy and socially successful adult? It’s not in a book, a game or in speeches delivered while en route to Thanksgiving dinner. Rather, it is caught. Once again, modeling the behavior we want to see in our children empowers them to grow into those behaviors, one developmental leap at a time. Here are some ideas to get you started modeling gratitude.
Share the Language
When your baby hands you their little oatmeal-coated spoon instead of throwing it on the floor, say “Thank you” and smile. Form an early connection between gratitude, connection and positive feelings. If you see someone share a ball at the park, you can show your child and say, “That was kind.” And at the end of the day, when you lie back on the couch and wonder how you’re going to land this plane, receive your child’s bedtime hug with a grateful sigh and thank them, perhaps even adding, “That made me feel better” or “You give great snuggles!” Genuine expression of gratitude teaches children how and when to use these new words to convey their own feelings, often echoed in similar tasks.
An example near to my heart happened recently with my 1-year-old. My husband came back from a diaper change with her, an amused look on his face. “Well, that’s a first,” he said. “I’ve never been thanked for changing a poopy diaper before.” No one had specifically told our daughter to say “dank-oo” for that (or any occasion, actually). She simply began to connect the concept that when someone does something to help you, you can say “thank you.”
Speak for Them
When we sit children in a big room full of strange new people listening to strange new music and strange new customs, it’s hardly fair to expect them to seamlessly and enthusiastically participate in social niceties, such as thanking someone who compliments their clothing or gives them a present. Yet this is exactly what we do with birthday parties, family gatherings and holidays. We, the adults of the world, sit and stare, waiting for them to return an expected and compulsory expression of gratitude. And if it does not come or comes in an unconvincing tone, the mood of the room shifts from doting to disapproval.
To avoid this unpleasant and confusing experience for yourself (and your children), fill in the gap between their understanding and the expectations of the group. “Oh, look. Grandma got you a gift. Thank you!” Even when in casual settings, you can provide the words for your child and show them, one instance at a time, how to handle the situation with gratitude and grace. As the little old lady passes your preschooler in the checkout line and comments on their new sneakers, you can reply, “She likes your shoes! That was kind. We like them too, don’t we?”
Seeing Results
In my own life, with my own children (outside of the “I’m a professional” safety zone of my classroom), I struggled with this some. I wondered, even though it felt right, if I was stunting my children’s growth. Would I always have to speak for them? I ought to have known better. I ought to have known that one day, my oldest child, barely a preschooler herself, would smile at the kind stranger who called her baby sister “a real cutie” and say, “Thanks. We like her, too.” That moment had us all clutching our hearts and grinning.
At that moment, I knew that my daughter had been paying attention and felt ready to start participating a little more as she navigated the world around her. In my heart, I felt a swirl of gratitude for her blossoming kindness and growing heart. The smile in her eyes as she looked at me for feedback and reassurance showed me that she felt grateful for our close connection and this positive result. When we trust our children to follow our lead (and trust ourselves to be good leaders), we make this growth possible.
Every day we get chances to grow a grateful heart, both in our children and in ourselves.
Alicia Kobilnyk is an Early Childhood Educator who works with young toddlers. She finds joy and inspiration to write in their cheeky shenanigans, as well as those of her three daughters.
