Easing Back-to-School Stress

Julie Marie Burnshire, LCSW, a therapist with Saint Francis Health System, answers questions about supporting kids’ mental health as they head back to school. Watch the interview below, or read the transcript.

Q: Children have just started the school year. Can you talk about some common stressors for kids as they return to school?

Burnshire: Absolutely. They’ve had, give or take, 10-14 weeks off of a school pattern. They are transitioning to different sleep schedules, understanding what’s expected of them, knowing when their lunchtime is, who they’re staying with and what needs their attention. Coming back into a school schedule can be a little rough for kids because their system is having to figure out how to acclimate back into 150+ days of school.

Q: What can parents do to create a calm home environment as they go through this transition? For example, easing stressful mornings when kids don’t want to get up and out the door, or coming home in the evening to homework.

Burnshire: Bringing in that calm for them is key. Tune in to see what helps your child with calm. It might be using any of the five senses — a favorite candle smell, their favorite blanket or animal, having a snack ready for them. And then creating a space where you can connect. This could be things like setting a timer, even if it’s just for 2-5 minutes, and really setting aside that time as our “connect” time. You might say, “I’d like to see how we are doing when we come home for the evenings. Is there one thing you can tell me about your day?” (Versus just generally saying, “How was your day?”) Ask for just one thing and then let the conversation expand from there.

For less stressful mornings, set things up for kids ahead of time. Have them work with you to help pick out that outfit and put out their backpack. Help them prepare for their mornings so that when they get up, those transition things are ready.

Some kids also might need a list that they check off in the morning. They get really excited to show you that they were able to complete it themselves. Kids feel the satisfaction that they can do it on their own.

Q: It sounds like spending a little extra time with our children as they’re going through this transition is also helpful.

Burnshire: Absolutely. If you pick them up in the car, use that time together to really allow them to speak to you. The tendency is for us to ask a lot of questions. Leave space open for them. Ask, “Is there anything that you’d like to share with me about today? Is there one thing that you would like to help me understand about what your day was like?” Allow them to start from where they are and take you on that journey so that you can see it from their eyes or their perspective, rather than asking questions that are more about what we want to hear about their day. Ask what they would like to share.

Q: What are some signs of stress or anxiety that parents might watch for? Sometimes kids may not know how to talk about anxiety.

Burnshire: As a play therapist, in the land of play, we say, “When words fail, play speaks.” So really watching for non-verbal communication for cues that something is going on with them. They might not have the words yet to help us know what that is.

They may be a little more chatty than usual, interruptive, not eating as well, seeming very restless, wanting that drink of water after you’ve put them to bed for the third or fourth time –there’s something that’s going on there. And rather than trying to stop the behavior, just meet the behavior where it is. You might say, “I notice that you’re asking a lot of questions lately or that you seem more hungry than usual. Can you tell me more about what’s going on?” See what they can give you from that in words.

Q:  What else can parents do, besides listening and questioning, if they notice any of these signs?

Burnshire: We can definitely tune in to them and ask, “Is there something that you need right now?” This helps give it back to them. When they’re younger, we have to solve a lot of things for them. As they get older, we can help them problem solve their own concerns, but still be with them in the process. If you ask if there’s something they need, and they answer, “I might need some quiet time,” you can help them solve that. You might say, “Well, let’s see how we can build that for you and be able to give that to you. How about we set a timer for 10 minutes, and I’ll come back to check on you and see how you’re doing.” So, it lets them know that there’s a follow-up as well with problem solving.

Q: How do parents know if their child might need some professional help? Or if a parent needs help with their child?

Burnshire: Parents might need to tune in to themselves to notice where they are in their own skill set and where their system is at as well. They might notice that their own anger, frustration, detachment or concern is starting to elevate. That might be a cue that they need some help to support their child as they learn to handle their own concerns, worry or anger. If they feel themselves going with the emotion of the child, notice that and ask, “Wait. Where is that coming from in me? And what do I need to do to check that right quick so that I can meet my child where they are?”

Being able to have open communication and connection is important. Connect with your child by saying, “Hey, I notice this a lot more than usual going on. I’m wondering if we can have somebody come in and help us learn more about how to help that anger, or to help that calm come back in because worry seems to be taking up a lot of space right now.”

Q: Do you have other tips regarding children’s mental health as they ease back into the school year?

Burnshire: Yes. Just stay curious with them. All behavior is communication in some form or fashion, so just stay tuned in to that behavior as being a kid’s form of communication.

I would also say to connect with them on their level. Kids play. You might find out a lot of information if you sit down and play Legos with them. Bring out a deck of cards and play some cards with them. For the older ones, you might connect with them by drawing or doing a crossword puzzle together or listening to them about a book that they’ve had to check out recently for a project. In that way, we come down to their level. And the distraction of the Legos or talking about the other things helps them feel like they can connect to things they might not have been sure how to talk about. We open that window up to really get in and hear what’s going on.

A book I highly recommend is The Whole-Brain Child. It’s a wonderful book that can help parents understand how children communicate in a very different way than we do. And it gives helpful tips on how to connect with them.

Too often, we ask kids to come up to the land where we are, but they’re only the age they are, and that’s as high as they can go. It really helps for us to be able to meet children where they are and see what it is that they’re trying to communicate.