Ten Lessons I’ve Learned in 25 Years of Marriage

October 2, 2024

Diane Morrow-Kondos,

We rode a tandem bike to the reception! My favorite wedding picture!

Today is our 25^th anniversary, and we have spent a week celebrating! Why are we making such a big deal out of 25 years? This is a second marriage for both of us and, since we married when we were in our forties, we are aware we may not be able to make it to the traditionally celebrated 50-year golden anniversary. We’re not being morbid, only realistic. Even if it weren’t for that depressing possibility, a happy marriage and family are worth celebrating. It hasn’t always been easy, and we’ve made our share of mistakes. I’m not a marriage expert, but I think I’ve learned a few things along the way. Here are ten lessons I’ve learned in the last 25 years of marriage.

1. Choose well

This seems like an obvious statement, but it isn’t. Being in love and feeling butterflies in your stomach at the mention of your partner’s name is wonderful, but choose with your head, not just your heart. Life is much easier if you share basic values, core beliefs, and life goals. A strong friendship is the foundation for a healthy marriage.

2. Be Kind

It’s easy to forget that our partners deserve our kindness. Sometimes, we’re more polite to strangers and kinder to friends than we are to our partners. Save some of that sweetness for your spouse. Be the soft place to land for one another.

3. Don’t keep score

It’s never going to be even, so quit keeping score. Some weeks, you might feel like you’re doing all the chores, running the kids everywhere, and ensuring the wheels on the figurative family bus keep going round and round. In a good relationship, it all evens out.

4. Choose your battles wisely

Some things are worth fighting about, and some just aren’t, but it took me a few years to realize that. He leaves the kitchen cabinets open, and he usually drops his workout bag in the entryway. I never screw lids back on tightly, and I open packages like a drunk raccoon. We both have irritating habits, but in the grand scheme of life, they aren’t worth fighting about. Time has mellowed us and given us perspective.

5. Communication

Every therapist harps on it, and they do so for a reason. Communication is the key to so many problems. It’s not easy to find a way to communicate effectively. It often involves making ourselves vulnerable and risking rejection. It’s taken my husband and me years to learn how to deal with conflicts. We both would rather just push them under the rug, but the problem with that is problems always seem to come back if you don’t work to resolve them.

6. Forgiveness

It’s almost impossible to stay in any relationship without being able to forgive. We’re all human and prone to error, but in a marriage, it’s inevitable we’ll fall short of perfection many times. If you know you’re in the wrong, it can be powerful to apologize and ask for forgiveness. It can be just as powerful to grant forgiveness.

7. Second marriages are different

People almost always enter a second marriage with baggage, both the figurative and literal kind. Second marriages are even more likely to end in divorce because it’s usually a little more complicated. There are often children from past relationships involved, which brings joy but also adds emotional intricacies. I made it clear to my husband before we married that my kids had been through a lot, and they would remain my first priority. He respected that and became a parenting partner with me. I never had to question his loyalty to not just me but also to my kids. We were a package deal. We have always celebrated the day we married as a “familyversary” because it wasn’t just vows exchanged between husband and wife but also promises to create a family.

8. Commitment

I almost guarantee there will be difficult times. There may be days or even weeks when you look at your partner and you cannot for the life of you remember why you fell in love with this person. What happened to the butterflies when you looked at them? The roses and candlelight dinners have been replaced by wet towels on the floor and arguing about whose turn it is to do the dishes. It would be so easy to call it quits during the hard times, but usually, with a little effort and time, the good times will return. A successful marriage means falling in love over and over with the same person and sticking it out in between. Sometimes, divorce is necessary, but make sure you’ve looked at the options.

9. Dealbreakers

For some, there are no dealbreakers. As much as I believe in being all-in committed to a relationship, I also have my dealbreakers. I call mine the “Triple As.” Some therapists would say these can be worked through, but for me, adultery, addiction, and abuse are dealbreakers. If you have dealbreakers, make sure you communicate them to your partner.

10. Have fun

Don’t forget to have fun together! Life can be full of things we have to do, so fun is often pushed to the background. Shared experiences are essential, but we don’t always have the time or money to travel or go to five-star restaurants. Fun can be playing a board game together or a midnight jump on the trampoline. Fun can be dancing in the kitchen to your favorite song. Make sure you keep that spark of fun and joy alive, even if you have to schedule time for it.

Even though we’re 25 years into this marriage, I’m still making mistakes and learning to improve. Fortunately, we’re both quick to forgive, and as time goes by, we’re also becoming good at forgetting past transgressions. We’re not perfect, but we’re happy. Last night, we reflected on the highlights of the last 25 years and made plans for the next 25 years. We’re nothing if not optimistic!