Nurturing Kids with Neurological and Behavioral Differences: Consistency and Patience Pay Off

All kids need the structure and parameters of discipline. But that discipline might look different for parents of kids with neurological differences or behavioral issues.

Tried-and-true discipline methods aren’t always effective for parents of kids on the autism spectrum, with sensory disorders or with ADHD, among other issues, though some strategies are worthwhile for all children.

One of the first hurdles to overcome is thinking of discipline as a strategy for developing good behavior, rather than as punishment. That idea of punishment can make parents reluctant to discipline their children with differences or unique needs.

Setting Expectations

Faith Crittenden, vice president of Children’s Mental Health and Family Support Services at Family and Children’s Services (F&CS), said it’s true that kids with exceptional behaviors often need discipline strategies that are fine-tuned for their needs. One of the best ways to understand what that might be is through work with a therapist or in a parenting class, including the parenting classes at F&CS’s Family Life Education Program.

Crittenden said that what professionals have learned in the last 30 years about children’s mental health has provided much insight into the behaviors of children. But that knowledge has collided with higher demands on parents, sometimes making it difficult for parents to implement the suggestions of mental health providers.

“There are far more demands on parents today,” Crittenden said. “And it’s much more difficult for parents to have the time and energy to deal with everything.”

Placing the demands of having a special needs or exceptional child on top of that can feel overwhelming.

One thing Crittenden stresses is that disciplining an exceptional child takes patience.

“We don’t really live in a culture that embraces patience,” she said. “We live in a world where we want immediate gratification.”

Acknowledging that is a first step to giving yourself patience when trying a new discipline or parenting strategy. Crittenden said it’s important to apply a strategy consistently and for a long time.

“Trying to set an expectation, trying to establish a routine – it takes much longer on the front end to really see the fruits of the labor,” she said.

Choosing a Strategy

So what discipline strategies are the best for kids with high demands or behavioral issues?

The first thing to know is that physical punishment is not effective. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), all forms of corporal punishment, as well as yelling and shaming, are minimally effective in the short-term and can cause increased behavior problems in the long-term.

Instead, the AAP recommends a positive approach to discipline that includes setting limits, giving consequences, redirecting bad behavior and giving kids your attention.

Many parenting strategies or programs include those positive discipline markers. Those include Love and Logic, The Incredible Years, Conscious Discipline and Good Inside. Each program can be used and adapted for kids with special needs or behavioral issues. The main adaptation? More patience.

Parents of children with behavioral or neurological differences know they can’t “discipline away” some of their kids’ behaviors. One example would be attempting to discipline a child on the autism spectrum from stimming (hand flapping or rocking back and forth for example), which can actually help kids manage their emotions.

But other issues can be managed through discipline. For instance, Crittenden worked with a child who had excessive tantrums. These hours-long meltdowns were impacting the entire family, so Crittenden suggested inviting their village of family and friends to help tap in, giving the parents a break from the stress.

“Did it take three hours of redirection before the kid could then understand that regardless of what happens, this is the expectation? Yes. But after that long, taxing process, it was the positive reinforcement that worked,” Crittenden said.

Facing Judgment

Parents of kids with behavioral differences know all too well the feeling of eyes watching them when their children are misbehaving in public. It’s a feeling all parents know, but the feeling is exacerbated for parents when the child is acting out in a way that draws more attention or seems out of the norm.

But sometimes what feels like a glare may be the eyes of someone who is watching with empathy. Parents who are already feeling an internal sense of shame about not being able to handle their kids may perceive those glances as judgment.

“Now, there are people who are looking at you sideways, yes, that is true. But some of that comes from your own internal sense of shame,” Crittenden said. “You might be thinking, ‘See, they think I’m a bad parent,’ when really that person could be thinking, ‘That’s what I deal with every day.’”

Managing poor behavior in public situations is something parents can steadily work on. Crittenden suggests choosing one behavior to address and then sticking with it.

“Don’t pick the worst behavior to start with. Pick something that’s mid-grade – a five, not a 10. If you have some successes, you’re going to feel better,” she said.

The first time you start a new discipline approach, like redirecting bad behavior or calling a time out, it might feel a little clunky. But consistency is the key both to feeling more comfortable with it and seeing results.

Discipline: Five Things to Remember

Disciplining a child with special needs or behavioral issues can feel overwhelming. Here are five things to remember when disciplining any child but that can be especially helpful with exceptional kids.

1. Be consistent.

Kids on the autism spectrum may not be aware of the extenuating circumstances that impact the way you handle their behavior. Staying consistent – no matter your mood or how busy you are – is important for alleviating your child’s anxieties and for them knowing what to expect.

2. Reward good behavior.

Praising your child when they’re doing good helps them want to stay that way. Taking them on an ice cream outing or letting them play 15 more minutes of a favorite video game are examples of ways you can reward their good behavior.

3. Set limits to manage expectations.

Giving parameters to kids is important. Kids with ADHD, for example, may forget how much screentime you said they could have if it changes from day to day. Setting a firm limit helps them to know what to expect. You can write some of these limits down, as a set of rules, to put in their rooms or on the refrigerator for a reminder.

4. Redirect.

Redirection works as a discipline model for all kids. For some kids, it’s an important tool for managing their issues. Children with sensory processing disorder may act out when in an environment where they are overstimulated, but redirecting them to another activity or area can prevent poor behavior or meltdowns.

5. Give them your attention.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, the most powerful tool for effective discipline is attention. All children want their parent’s attention. Spending time together observing and getting to know your child will make you a more empathetic and effective parent. Giving your child your attention also allows you to reinforce their good behaviors and discourage others.

Natalie Mikles is a mom of three. She writes about food, sharing recipes for busy families and picky eaters. She has been recognized for her food columns as well as features on families and issues affecting local children. Natalie loves pizza and movie nights with her family.