Happy Mother’s Day! You’re Doing Great!

Women are expected to make bread from scratch, have demanding careers, keep a clean house, run marathons, and raise stellar children, all without breaking a sweat. Two years ago, I wrote a blog called “Ten Ways to be a Good Father” that has been popular. I started writing this week’s blog with the intention of creating a similar list of ten ways to be a good mother. After a paragraph, I trashed that idea. Mothers have enough pressure without a Baby Boomer (me) passing on antiquated, judgmental ideas about what qualities a woman needs to be a good mother.

What I do know for certain is that it’s impossible to be a perfect mother. I fervently tried but came up short too many times to count. I learned that perfection is unattainable, but there are a hundred ways to be a good mother. There’s so much pressure on women to be perfect, but “good enough” is acceptable.  We’re all flawed, but unconditional love goes a long way towards being a good mom. My ongoing frustration is the double standard that exists for mothers and fathers.

A double standard

I thought we were making progress. I believe we were for at least a minute, but now it feels like we’re slipping backwards. Most women in the United States have jobs outside of the home. Even in marriages where women earn the same amount as their husbands, they do twice as many household chores and also invest more hours in caregiving responsibilities, whereas men spend three hours more than their spouses pursuing personal hobbies each week. How is that fair?

The double standard often hits in the form of societal criticism. If the dad orders pizza when he’s in charge of dinner, he’s the fun dad. If the mom orders pizza, she’s seen as lazy. When a video of a dad braiding his daughter’s hair goes viral, moms are rolling their eyes. Those are the things we do every day with no thought and for which we receive no attention.  Why should a dad braiding hair be seen as a hero? When a dad brings his kids to the park or runs errands with a baby strapped onto his chest, people admire him for taking on that chore, while moms get no recognition for performing basic parenting tasks.

I’ve probably talked about this in previous blogs, but the experience made a lasting impression. When our kids were young, I left my ex-husband in charge of our kids for a week while I was out of town. Our kids were young, my ex and I had an amicable relationship, so he stayed in my house to make it easier for the kids. People flocked to his aid. Meals were dropped off, dinner invitations offered, and accolades flooded in for this amazing man who was taking care of his children. While I was thankful for good friends and neighbors, the experience left me wondering where all these people were when I was a single parent for the other 51 weeks of the year. Bitter much, Diane?

My childhood experience

My high expectations stem from having a father who was egalitarian-minded before the term even entered our collective consciousness. My dad never looked at chores as having gender divisions. He merely did what needed to be done. When he retired, there were still two kids at home, including my brother with intellectual disabilities. My mom, fifteen years younger, returned to work, and my dad became a stay-at-home parent. He took that role seriously, taking care of my brother, doing all the grocery shopping, cooking fantastic meals, baking bread, and cleaning the house. I never questioned this arrangement. It worked, and both my parents were happy. I always assumed the workload of a family would be shared in an equitable manner. I was blissfully naïve.

Most mothers do so much for their families. I won’t insult you by writing advice on how to be better at what is both a joy and a Herculean task. I know you’re doing a great job. You deserve all the gifts, all the praise, breakfast in bed, a day of being the queen, and a loving partner to share the work and responsibilities equally! Happy Mother’s Day!