Yelp Reviews of My 4-year-old’s Restaurant

0 stars:

DO NOT GO TO THIS PLACE! My buddies and I walked in looking for wings and some beers, and the owner didn’t have pants on. And if that wasn’t bad enough, he made us form a line, gave each of us a musical instrument to play and had us march around in a circle for about an hour. My buddy Mike’s tambourine playing was surprisingly solid, but that’s about all I can say about the experience. AVOID!

1 star:

If you like your fish straight off the boat, complete with a googly eye staring at you, served in the pan it was cooked in, come to this place. If you like fish that tastes like — and come to think of it, might actually be made of — plastic, come to this place. If you like to eat your plastic fish while sitting on a tattered red sofa that’s covered in white dog hair, come to this place. If you like having the source of the white dog hair, a molting Chihuahua, draped over your shoulders, exploring your eardrum with its tongue while you eat, come to this place. Any questions?

3 stars:

I don’t know how to describe this restaurant exactly…avant-garde, perhaps? We were in the neighborhood and dropped in for breakfast. Upon arrival, we were greeted by the owner. Turns out he was also the receptionist, chef and waiter. He asked us what we wanted, and I asked for pancakes. He said, “Oh, we don’t have pancakes.”

When I asked what they did have, he said, “Well, we have pots and water and toys.” As he was presenting our options, he gestured to each item in the kitchen, which was compact, made of plastic and located in the middle of the dining room floor. I opted for the pots and my wife went with water. We received a small pot and an empty cup, then the owner/receptionist/chef/waiter walked off and never came back.

I’m giving it three stars because I feel like there is something really challenging about the place that I haven’t quite figured out yet. Will definitely give it another shot.

5 stars:

Wow! That’s all I can say. My husband and I just had the most life-changing experience. I don’t know who came up with the idea of a faux kid-run restaurant to scare young childless couples, but…THANK YOU!! Our visit was, without a doubt, the most hellish experience imaginable. There was this kid there…he was cute and all, but my god, are kids really like that? He literally didn’t stop talking. And it was about the most boring things, like a word-by-word recounting of a TV show he just watched or something. If I want to hear about stuff like that, I’ll go visit my grandma and have her tell me about what happened that day on Little House on the Prairie.

And what is it with all the touching? Is personal space not a thing with kids? And then there was food, but we didn’t get to eat anything because the kid kept asking us to do stuff for him: watch him do magic tricks, get his juice, look at this nasty red bug bite on his leg (gross!).

Anyway, long story short, my husband and I dragged ourselves out of there, slightly bedraggled, drove straight home to our immaculate, orderly house and promised each other we’d never have children! Thank you again.

Andrew Knott is a professional essayist, humorist, and novelist. He is a father of three and the author of Fatherhood: Dispatches From the Early Years. His writing has appeared in The Washington Post, McSweeney’s and Parents Magazine, among others. You can most likely find him sweeping off the trampoline or emptying the dishwasher.