What’s Your Parenting Legacy?

My youngest daughter, Mary, and I went to World Market after Christmas and bought a box of Swedish gingersnaps and a jar of Lingonberry jam. We had just left the memory center where my 96-year-old mom is peacefully looking toward the end of her life. We didn’t go with the intention of buying gingersnaps and jam, but we were immediately drawn to them because my mom would get the same gingersnaps for Mary every Christmas because she knew Mary loved them, and she bought Lingonberry jam because she loved all things Swedish. It was almost an unconscious act on both our parts – buying those tangible things as if to keep my mom’s physical presence with us.

The perfect storm of the ending year, reading Orbital, my mom fading and the passing of Jimmy Carter pushed me to reflect on loss and legacy. Read Diane Kondos’s blog about the legacy of Jimmy Carter. It perfectly encapsulates the values of the man – he had many accomplishments and accolades in his time, but clearly valued quiet decency and love for his fellow human beings over any praise or award. I know my mom thought highly of Jimmy Carter and his wife.

As she rests, I know my mom can hear me as I talk to her about her life. I thank her for “being a good little mama,” which makes her smile. I tell her that I made potica for Christmas as I learned from her and as she learned from her mother-in-law, but it wasn’t as good as hers – another thing that made her smile. I remind her of how much her grandchildren love her and how they loved going to her house. My daughter, Anna, texted a read-aloud version of Miss Suzy, the children’s book that she read over and over to my kids because they loved it so much. I played it for her on my phone.  I remind her of how much we all loved her cooking and sense of humor. And, when she clamps her mouth shut, refusing to drink water, I remind her of her stubbornness — which also makes her smile. I read Poe’s “Annabelle Lee” to her because she used to read the poem to me – I know it’s a little morbid – but supposedly she’s related to Edgar Allan Poe, so that made her smile, too.

When I think about my mom’s legacy, I also think of her love of mid-century modern furniture. As a child, I thought everyone had a super-cool house. I also thought everyone’s mom was a good cook and a classy dresser. I thought all other moms had gardens, loved birds and did their kids’ laundry when they brought it home from college. I never wanted to learn to iron, but she showed me how anyway. I still remember how to iron a shirt. Always interested in learning new things, she did yoga with the woman on PBS and watched “The Galloping Gourmet.” She was always the champion of the underdog and felt heartache at losses that may have been halfway around the world, especially if the tragedy involved children. She had true empathy. She taught us that we were no better than anyone else.

There are so many things that are my mom’s legacy. I invite all of you to think of the legacy that your mom has given you. In the middle of living life, you may think, as I did, that everyone’s mom did this or that. But the reality is that each individual is unique. As I read Orbital, a beautiful novel about astronauts orbiting the earth, I felt compelled to step back and see that we are all unique, all alone and all together. We are a lonely planet except for our connections to one another. I think Jimmy Carter saw this. And my mom.

I will be reflecting on the strength and humility of former President Carter and of my mom. There can be no better legacy than to be an inspiration to others to do the right thing.

What will your children remember about you?

P.S. I can’t leave this blog without thanking the staff at Iris Memory Care and Good Shepherd Hospice for their kindness and care for my mom.