Valentine’s Day and The Stomach Flu

Despite taking the vows of “sickness and in health”, we weren’t imagining caregiving roles at this moment.

There aren’t a lot of requirements to get married in the state of Oklahoma. If you’re at least 18 years old, have proof of identification, and fifty dollars, you can get married. If you opt for pre-marital counseling the cost of the license is lowered to five dollars. The requirements for a marriage license are minimal, but if I were making the laws, I would require prospective partners to go through the stomach flu together before making a lifetime commitment.

It may seem like a crazy proposal, and I am mostly joking, but also kind of serious. It’s almost Valentine’s Day, the season of love, but it’s also Norovirus season! Going through the stomach flu together is a test of true love, weeding out those who aren’t ready for serious commitment. If you experienced this season’s stomach flu, you can probably relate to what I’m saying. Because I tend to make bad food choices when I travel, I’ve had food poisoning more times than the average person. I’ve also had my share of the stomach flu, and this year’s virus was epic level! I will spare you the gruesome details, but imagine the worst and double it. No, triple it! When I emerged from my dehydrated, nauseated fog, I realized Steve was steadfastly taking care of me in ways I’m sure he never imagined when we were dressed in our wedding finery, standing at the altar saying our vows. Not that I had any doubt before, but this confirmed that I could happily commit to another 25 years with him.

It’s easy to be in love when you’re both looking your best, feeling good, and having fun. It’s not difficult to be happy when everyone is feeling happy and healthy. Conventional wisdom advises that you go through all four seasons together before you get married. I like that idea, but I will add the hurdle of enduring the flu before putting a ring on it.

When I have an upper respiratory infection, I am okay with being left alone. All I need is some Tylenol, Nyquil, and Netflix. I just want to sleep and be alone to heal. However, when the stomach flu comes to visit, I require a completely different kind of care. I’ll just lay it on the line. I am a big baby, moaning, whining, and asking my husband to sit vigil at my bedside. I am convinced I’m dying and need him to be there to witness every moment.

My father set up this expectation. He was the nurturing parent, always on duty if we were injured or ill. I remember him holding my hair back when I visited the porcelain throne and sitting by my bedside with a cool washcloth for my forehead. He would go to the grocery store to get me 7-up and crackers and tell me creative, calm stories to get me to sleep. My dad spoiled me when I was sick, and now I expect the same from my husband.

Fortunately, I’m married to a patient, nurturing man who takes care of me when I’m sick, much like my father did when I was a child. Pedialyte has replaced the 7-Up. Steve’s stories aren’t quite as entertaining, but like my dad, he comforts me. I’d return the favor, but he has a much better immune system than I do.

I don’t wish the current version of the stomach flu on anyone. However, if you’re in a serious relationship and manage to contract the flu, use this opportunity to gauge how your potential partner will react when the going gets tough. Choose someone who will be a true partner and live out the vows of “in sickness and in health.” Especially if you plan on having children, you need a spouse who will be right there changing diapers, cleaning up vomit, and wiping runny noses. This season’s norovirus provides the perfect testing ground to weed out the weak, selfish, or lazy partners.

I got lucky. I never needed caregiving before we got married, but I’ve sure put him to the test since. In an episode several years ago that has now become legendary, I once passed out and threw up at the same time. My husband caught me before I hit the floor, and my vomit hit his head. Despite that incident, he still loves me. As we age, having a partner who provides loving care is a quality that is becoming more valued.

I doubt the authorities in Oklahoma will change the marriage requirements based on my recommendations, but I stand by my proposal. The conventional wisdom says to go through each season with a potential partner before making a final commitment, but I maintain that the stomach flu is a better test!