The Best Christmas Gift Divorced Parents Can Give Their Adult Children!

It can be a struggle to know what to get adult kids for Christmas. They have all they need, and we probably can’t afford what they want. There’s one present that comes to mind when I think about what adult children of divorce would love to get for Christmas. The best present is peace on earth, goodwill towards all. It doesn’t even have to be gift-wrapped!

We should have all evolved to understand that when two people who have children get divorced, they are still parents together. It doesn’t matter if your children are three or thirty-three years old; you’re still the parents.

Once your kids are adults, the active part of co-parenting decreases considerably, but then along come grandchildren, and you’re back in the thick of it. Nowhere is this more apparent than during the holiday season. Assuming you want what’s best for your shared children and grandchildren, what are some effective ways to achieve peace on earth, goodwill for all? Or at least peace within the family and no bad will towards the ex?

Having been divorced for over thirty years has made me an expert in these matters. Or at least I’m going to pretend like I am, but the reality is I’m still a work in progress. Based on my personal experience, here are my top five tips for divorced parents of adult children during the holidays.

1. Ceasefire

Even countries at war sometimes declare a ceasefire during the holidays. If you’re still actively fighting or trash-talking your ex, please stop! At least give it a rest during the season! Your children and grandchildren should not have to hear poisonous words about their parents and grandparents anytime, but especially on Christmas. Remember your mother’s wise words — if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

2. Don’t compete

It might be tempting to be the parent who bestows expensive gifts to outdo your ex or the other grandparents, but it’s not healthy emotionally or financially. I don’t like to shop, but one of my grandkids’ grandmothers loves to shop. I’m happy to let her be the bountiful grandparent.

3. Respect their decisions

I got divorced when my kids were very young, so they grew up knowing what it was like to be dragged to several Christmases. The optimistic kid might love the fact they’re getting double presents. The introverted kid might hate the chaos of being pulled in too many directions.

Once your adult kids have their own children, they get to decide what they want their holidays to look like. Because my daughter and son-in-law both have divorced parents, they could conceivably be going to four houses for Christmas visits. Instead, they decided grandparents could all come to their house on Christmas morning if they want to see the grandchildren open presents. It’s a healthy boundary that works for us.

4. Be gracious about sharing traditions

Because of divorce and remarriage, my grandchildren have seven grandparents. Be gracious and share the time and holiday traditions. If there’s something that’s especially meaningful, communicate that. Because we’re six years into the grandparenting stage, we’ve established our traditions, and we all know where we fit in the schedule. One set of grandparents always does the Rhema lights with the grandkids, and one set does the Nutcracker and Christmas lunch at India Palace. My husband and I take them to the Tulsa Christmas Parade and Santa pictures at Utica Square. Don’t put your adult kid in the awkward middle of divvying up grandparent activities. Communicate and be willing to share.

5. Kindness

If in doubt, it’s always best to err on the side of kindness. If you don’t feel it, fake it until you make it. I normally preach about the importance of being your authentic self. However, if your authentic self is hateful and grouchy, a fake self is preferable on Christmas. There is a reason you’re divorced, but there is also a reason you were once married and had children together.

We’re adults, so surely we can focus on the positive and celebrate a holiday in peace. Bite your tongue, and keep the scowl off your face. Do it for your grandkids; do it for your adult children. Give them the gift they really want for the holidays — peace on earth and goodwill towards all. Yes, “all” even includes your ex.