Motherhood, Women’s Rights, and the Path Not Taken

“I probably should never have had children.” I was shocked the first time I heard those words come out of my mother’s mouth. I was in my 50s, with grown children of my own, but the little girl in me flinched. My mother didn’t say those damaging words with any kind of anger or passion but rather matter of fact. I knew that being a mother wasn’t her life dream, but it still caused pain in my heart to hear her express that regret.

My mother was a textbook-perfect mother. She sewed our clothes, cooked meals from scratch, taught Sunday School, was a Scout leader, and took four kids to every lesson imaginable. As if this weren’t enough, she also grew and canned organic vegetables and helped care for horses, chickens, and cows on our pseudo-farm. She did this while living in a house that was constantly under construction and while advocating for a child with disabilities. She was a superwoman, but was she happy?

A Man’s World

My mom and dad got married on June 25, 1950, the day the Korean War started. I have no doubt she and my dad were in love, but I have even less doubt that her life didn’t turn out as she envisioned. We pretend the 1950s in America were halcyon days, but the reality is that women in that era experienced legal and societal constraints. My mom and her peers didn’t have the options I had just thirty years later.

My mom grew up on a farm in Kansas. The fact that she went to college was a testament to her ambition and drive. But in the forties, college girls were directed towards teaching or nursing. My mom chose to teach and taught in a one-room schoolhouse until she became pregnant with her oldest child. When a teacher became pregnant, they were almost always forced to stop teaching. It wasn’t until 1974 that the US Supreme Court ruled that compulsory maternity leave for pregnant women was unconstitutional. It was very much a man’s world in the 1950s and ’60s.

Title IX and Women’s Rights

If you’re wondering why I’m writing about this, rest assured I’m wondering that also. Maybe Women’s History Month in March made me think about the inequities of being a female. Or maybe it’s because as I get older, I worry about what the future will be like for my two daughters and granddaughter. It sometimes feels like we have been fighting for what we should be able to take for granted for hundreds of years, yet it feels like we’re Sisyphus pushing that boulder up the hill but getting nowhere.

I was a young woman in the 1970s when it felt like we were finally gaining ground. Title IX passed in 1972, giving me hope, yet the Equal Rights Amendment was never ratified in fifteen states, including Oklahoma. It was 1974 when the Equal Credit Opportunity Act was passed, which allowed women to get credit cards and mortgages in their own name. As I see some women’s rights threatened, I wonder if my granddaughter will have fewer choices than I had.

Sisyphus might empathize with women.

Motherhood Isn’t for Everyone

I suppose I’m also writing this because it’s cheaper than therapy. I know my mom loved us. She was a good mother, maybe even a great one. But there is always that pang of sorrow, knowing that Motherhood was not what she would have chosen as her life’s work. She was trapped by the times. She was further confined by having a child with disabilities who would never fly from the nest. Although I’m appreciative that she gave life to me, I know it came at a significant cost to her.

We glorify Motherhood, as we should, but it isn’t for everyone. I firmly believe that being a parent should be a well-thought-out plan and decision. It’s not something that should be entered into lightly. I desperately wanted to be a mother, and I loved the experience. It was the right choice for me. However, I always told my kids they shouldn’t become parents unless they were positive that it was what they wanted. One daughter chose to be a mother, and the other did not; both were valid decisions. Being a mother is not easy in any era.

Honoring All Women

As we get ready to celebrate Mother’s Day, I honor mothers and also women who have chosen to remain childless. I’m grateful my mom was a good mother, but I wish she had other options. As her daughter, I have regrets on her behalf for the life she didn’t get to have and for the path not taken. As her daughter, my heart hurts a little to know she might have been happier in that alternate life – the one that didn’t include children.

We have one wild and precious life. Live your life authentically and be true to yourself.

My mom with all of her daughters and granddaughters on her 80th birthday.