In a Giving Spirit

There are a lot of things I love about this time of year — like the way my house is transformed into a kitschy, glittering wonderland of thrifted snowmen, Santas, and twinkling lights or the chance to hang out with my kids while they’re out of school as we dive into things like art projects, games, and messy cooking adventures. 

And I also love the idea of folks thinking about how they can surprise someone else with a special gift that makes the recipient’s holiday much more special. We live in a reality that often necessarily forces us to be consumed with obligations and pressures that make it hard to step outside of ourselves and focus on service and love to others. Whatever your faith tradition, the winter holidays can serve as an excuse to stop and refocus, if only for a little while, on the best parts of what makes us human — love, compassion, giving, kindness. 

But sadly, even when we really want to share that giving holiday spirit with others, it’s easy to end up with blind spots that leave a lot of folks out —  folks for whom the holidays can feel a lot more like a burden than a blessing.

When Santa’s on the Struggle Bus

This time of year, I frequently come across families on social media who are desperately struggling with how they’ll give their kids a decent Christmas as I browse through local mom’s groups and Nextdoor. 

This has been a tough year for a lot of folks. 

The unfortunate truth is that many American workers haven’t seen a pay raise in years while basic living expenses for things like utilities and groceries just keep going up. Realistically, many families are operating on a super tight budget no matter what the time of year is. Even the idea of hosting a holiday meal for extended family can put too much strain on some families’ budgets. Factor in holiday gift-giving, and it’s just too much for many. 

I’ve been seeing these posts almost daily on social media lately, often shared anonymously. In many cases, they never expected to be asking for help — they thought they had it covered. 

I’ve also seen a few parents realize they missed the sign-up date for all of the gift-giving charities while they were busy doing the million mom things that take up their days and keep them up at night. Many angel trees and other gift-giving charities necessarily require signup more than a month in advance, and some families think they’ve got things under control until a paycheck comes up short or a major appliance breaks. 

As one mournful mama wrote in 2022, “I’ve never needed help with the holidays but this whole year has been a struggle and I don’t see it changing anytime soon. Are there any places to sign up for help with gifts for children? It’s too late for Angel Tree.”

It’s a common misconception that every family who needs angel tree help is Dickensian-level poor or on welfare (although undoubtedly, many are). The reality is that many of these families simply don’t have any wiggle room in their day-to-day lives. They’re one dental and one automotive emergency away from not paying rent. They try to put a few dollars back here or there for Christmas, but then the furnace breaks or their power bill is suddenly unexpectedly higher each month. Hours are cut at work, child support doesn’t come like it’s supposed to. 

And often, they’re embarrassed or even ashamed to ask for help giving their kids gifts. And understandably so, given the response from some. Although most people these days tend to be at least somewhat compassionate in their replies, the interwebs has more than its share of judgy Ebeneezer Scrooges telling these parents they need to get a better job, plan better, or start shopping and hiding gifts in August. And those are the nicer criticisms. 

Wrapping Holiday Gifts in Strings

There seems to be a real disconnect between the desire to give at Christmas and the dueling desire to make sure the giftees have sufficiently earned those gifts or are in some way deserving. 

While a few community churches and charities offer angel tree-style programs, gaining access to these events can be prohibitive for some families.

It’s the same reason many food pantries aren’t as accessible as they purport to be when they offer help only during standard business hours and require recipients to stick around for a one-hour worship service with no consciousness for the fact that a morning away from work can set a food-poor family back significantly. And when these programs require recipients to present proof of residence, that means no well-intended friend can pick items up on their behalf. 

Many holiday gift programs have a built-in class disconnect, requiring families to stand in line — in some cases for hours — and attend a church service with no understanding that many single parents and two-income households would need to miss work to attend. Not only is this financially impossible for most struggling families, but many employers of working-class workers will not allow them time off. 

For families who aren’t restricted by work, childcare can also be a barrier. Even if a church or charity offers childcare for attendees, many families don’t feel comfortable leaving their children with strangers for the several hours they might need to stand in line and attend a religious program. For families with autistic or neurodivergent children or kids with certain health conditions, it’s often simply not possible. 

And while many parents who don’t subscribe to the religious beliefs of a giving organization might have concerns about potentially exposing their kids to indoctrination into beliefs they find problematic, most will grit their teeth and accept it to give their kids something nice and new for Christmas. 

They understand that evangelism, rather than giving, is the point of these events for some organizations — which is why they’re unwilling to divorce the gifting process from the faith-based cost of admission. But to parents who themselves have endured spiritual abuse trauma, this can add another layer of demoralization onto the struggle pile. 

And, although quite understandably due to the sheer volume of folks who need help, there’s no guarantee you’re going to receive gifts your kids will like. I realize it’s controversial to suggest that anyone has the right to complain about free gifts for their kids, but that’s an awfully privileged position to take. 

Even when it’s an angel tree where parents get to make gift requests, givers often have trouble following these requests, and the gifts children receive aren’t always age-appropriate for the giftee. Even if a gift is donated with the recommended ages on the package in mind, not all kids are maturity-aligned with that age; some are more advanced, while others are not quite there yet. And some toys aren’t a good fit for a child’s particular neurodiversity or level of physical ability. 

It’s one of the reasons I despise the meme criticizing parents for exchanging angel tree or donation gifts for a gift card. Sure, there might be shady folks who take advantage of this, but most people are just trying to get their kids something they’ll enjoy. As the mom of anime-loving kids, I can’t imagine how disappointed they might have been growing up if I wrapped up a basketball or some Marvel swag.

Most of these charities also age out older kids, which is sad for the same reason people complaining about teenage trick-or-treaters is sad. Kids from struggling families have to grow up so fast anyway — why wouldn’t we want to give teenagers a special gift, too?

Now, I don’t want to knock anyone who is out there trying to put goodness into the world — if you helped out with an angel tree or one of these church-based charities, that’s a good thing! My hope is that this post will shed some light on the folks that can’t access these types of gift-giving charities and inspire everyone to reach out and try to help the folks who fall in between the cracks. 

Appearances Can Be Deceiving

For parents on the struggle bus, insulating kids against the direness of their situation can be a daily effort. And all of that falls apart when said children open up Santa gifts that turn out to be wrong-sized clothing they don’t like, age-inappropriate toys, or things they would never ask for or just wouldn’t want to play with. It’s depressing for the kids and even more depressing for the parents to see their child pretend to be grateful for a gift they clearly don’t like. 

It’s also fairly common for angel tree-type charities to give duplicates of the same gift to several kids in a household. I’m not sure why this happens, whether this is based on a corporate-level donation of slightly underperforming toys or someone just goes in and buys up a ton of the same thing. 

But there are plenty of valid reasons a family wouldn’t want to give every kid in their home the same Christmas gifts, and so they end up just giving the dupes away if they can’t exchange them. I’ve noticed a marked uptick in this on Facebook recently as families who received multiples of the same gift go online to share what they don’t need. 

And then there are the inevitable posts criticizing angel tree parents for their cars, clothing, or manicures. One local second-hand children’s store went semi-viral recently for this type of parent-shaming, and a lot of people on all sides seemed to have some pretty strong feelings about it. It all started when the owners offered some free items to families in need and then took to social media to complain about the “needy” parents who showed up in nice cars or with name-brand handbags.

It’s the same spirit behind the folks who complain about people on SNAP with nice highlights or their children dressed in Tommy Hilfiger — it’s a place of privilege to not understand that people can have nice things and still be struggling. 

Here are just a few reasons someone might outwardly look like they’ve got the money for gifts when they don’t:

• They’ve had those nice things since before their situation changed.
• Someone with a nicer car gave them a ride.
• A friend or relative gifted them something they wouldn’t otherwise buy.
• They do their own hair or a friend does it for them.
• They had to get their hair done professionally when applying for jobs.
• They went to a beauty school.
• Thrift stores, Poshmark, Buy Nothing groups

And even if you’re the kind of person who looks down on parents who need angel tree help or feel they need to be grateful for what they get, please try to remember this isn’t about the parents. It’s about giving kids from all walks of life one magical morning and memories to last a lifetime.

Giving Without Strings

The point of this post is not to disparage angel trees and other holiday gift-giving efforts — although I would love to see more conversations about making this type of charity more accessible to everyone and allowing the giving in and of itself to spread the message of love a faith community purports. Rather, it’s to remind folks that even when these types of things are available, they can be difficult to access. 

That’s why I suspect the reasons I’ve explored above are among the reasons I’ve seen a trend toward one-on-one giving this holiday season. 

Quite a few giving moms in a local moms’ group have expressed a desire to gift kids specifically what they want rather than simply donating something anonymously, and I think that’s an excellent start. The United States Postal Service also offers givers an opportunity to fulfill kids’ Santa letters.

Another way you can help out is just to check on your Facebook peeps or your neighbors. Even if you don’t have much to give, you might be surprised at how well-received a handful of old Barbies will be on your local Buy Nothing Group. Giving toys and clothes your kids have outgrown is a great way to teach your family about repurposing through a gift economy. 

Things like art supplies or cookies can also go a long way with younger kids and teens alike. 

And don’t forget to check on the seniors in your community. A lot of older folks have a tough time this year, which is why many nursing homes ask for donations of gently-used plushies for their residents. 

Finally, if you’re among the folks who can’t quite make the holidays magical this year — at least from a consumer perspective — please know you’re not alone and it is not a reflection on your worth as a parent or a human being. And please don’t be afraid to reach out on your local Facebook Buy Nothing Group or mom group page if you need help gifting your kids a few things this year.

Thank you for reading, and whatever holiday you celebrate this winter, I hope you have a beautiful and blessed week in your little nebula!