Sibling Rivalry and the New Baby: What You Can Do to Help Toddlers Adjust

January 28, 2025

Tanni Haas, Ph.D.,

toddler with newborn sibling — Halfpoint/Getty

Few things are more important to parents than having their kids get along well together. Nevertheless, it can be difficult for kids, especially toddlers, to accept new additions to the family. “Where they were once the center of your world, now they’re forced to share the spotlight,” as Sophie Bell of BabyCentre, a major parenting site, puts it. If you are welcoming a new baby to your family, consider what you can do and say to reduce the amount of sibling rivalry following the arrival.

Here’s what the experts suggest:

Tell Your Child That You’re Pregnant

Experts agree that you should tell your children that you’re pregnant before you tell other family members and friends. Bell says that doing so will make your children feel special and inspire a sense of “ownership” that’ll reduce any sibling rivalry. Dr. Hindie Klein, a clinical psychologist, adds that you can foster such a sense of ownership by referring to the new baby as “our baby” instead of “the baby.” The point is to help your children feel that they’re participants in as opposed to passive spectators to “this new and exciting experience,” as Dr. Klein puts it.

Prepare Your Child for the Baby

Create a sense of ownership, Bell says, by letting your toddler feel the baby kicking. Talk to the baby with your toddler. Show your child photos of when you were pregnant with them. Dr. Klein suggests telling toddlers about their own birth and reading picture books with them about babies and being pregnant.

Involve Them in Caring for the Baby

Once you and the newborn are home from the hospital, involve your child as much as possible in taking care of the baby. Among many other things, they can fetch diapers and hold towels at bath time, talk gently or sing to the baby, and hold the baby in their lap, assuming that they’re properly propped up in an armchair or couch with big pillows on either side.

The latter suggestion is especially important since babies give off pheromones that, when inhaled, make us fall in love with and become protective of them. “The more your older child snuggles the new sibling, the better their relationship is likely to be,” says Dr. Laura Markham, clinical psychologist and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings.

Focus on Sibling Bonding

Regardless of how you choose to involve your child in caring for the baby, always point out how much the baby loves the sibling’s attention. This enhances their bonding and reduces any sibling rivalry. Say things like: “Look at how she smiles for you!” or “My, he loves it when you sing to him!”

Spend Extra Time with Your Toddler

Taking care of a baby is time-consuming, and it can be hard to find any extra time to spend alone with your other child. But to the extent possible, try to carve out a little time, even if it’s only 10-15 minutes a day, just for them. Those few minutes can do wonders in terms of reducing any sibling rivalry. “Every child needs a full tablespoon of Mommy all to herself,” writes Dr. Fran Walfish, a clinical psychologist and author of The Self-Aware Parent.

Reinforce Your Love for Your Toddler

Assure your other children that the baby hasn’t changed your feelings for them. If anything, you love and appreciate them even more now that they’re big brothers or sisters who help take care of the baby so well. You want to emphasize, as Dr. Markham puts it, “all the wonderful things about who they are and how they contribute to the family.”

Don’t underestimate the importance of extra cuddles and kisses for the other kids. “Even if they’re too young to fully understand,” Bell says, “they’ll appreciate the cuddles and kisses that come with this special time to bond with you.”

Acknowledge Their Feelings

Despite your best efforts to help your toddler bond with the baby, they’re likely to experience frustrations that if left unacknowledged can lead to sibling rivalry. It’s always a good idea to acknowledge those frustrations. “Encourage older children to talk about their feelings and conflicts and assure them that they can have these feelings and still be a wonderful older brother or sister,” as Dr. Klein puts it.

Help toddlers put words to their frustrations if they’re unable to do so themselves. For example, if the baby’s crying a lot and it’s interfering with your ability to take of them, you could say: “She does cry a lot, doesn’t she?” or “Sometimes I feel frustrated when she cries so much.” The point, Dr, Markham says, is to “give children words for their feelings because that helps them manage them rather than having to act them out.”