Five Grandparenting Mistakes

Annoyed Grown Up Daughter Expressing Complaints To Elderly Mother, for article on grandparenting mistakes
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Grandparents make mistakes? Are you sure? I thought all grandparents were perfect, gray-haired old people who baked cookies and read to their grandchildren. We did such an excellent job that we were promoted to grandparents. That’s the ideal vision of a grandparent, but unfortunately, that’s not always the case. We’re only humans, and we all make mistakes, but some are more serious and have harmful consequences. These are five grandparenting mistakes that can lead to conflict between the generations.

1. Not willing to adapt to new childcare guidelines

This mentality manifests in statements like, “This is how we always did it,” and “If it was good enough for our kids, it’s good enough for the grandkids.” These phrases are often said when discussing controversial topics such as new guidelines for infant sleeping, breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding, and car seat usage. You might hear a grandparent claim, ” We didn’t use car seats, and our kids survived.” The reality is many kids didn’t survive. The use of car seats has decreased fatalities of children to about twenty-five percent of what it was in 1975! When we know better, we do better!

2. Not following the parents’ rules

Whether you agree with a rule or not isn’t the point. The parents make the rules, and the grandparents need to follow them. Ideally, the parents will allow the grandparents some breathing room on minor issues. For instance, my grandkids eat a plant-based diet at home and very little processed sugar. Fortunately, their parents permit me to loosen those restrictions at my house. A few cookies on the weekend, a later bedtime, or a little more screen time aren’t significant issues for most kids. However, when grandparents blatantly ignore some rules, disastrous consequences can occur.

In a recent Ask Amy article, a mother said she had left her four-year-old in the care of her parents. They knew he had a peanut allergy, but the grandfather didn’t believe it and decided to give the child peanut butter on a cracker as a snack. The child ended up in the emergency room. In an extreme case like this, when breaking the rules can be fatal, the grandparents shouldn’t be allowed to be alone with the child again until it is positive the rules are understood and will be followed! Any rule involving safety has to be the number one priority.

3. Overstepping boundaries

I can’t believe how many grandparents (usually the grandmother) insist on being in the delivery room even when the mother has been clear that it is not what she wants. Some grandparents overstep their boundaries by insisting they should be the first to hold the new baby or choose the baby’s name. I’ve also heard stories about grandparents who bring a grandchild home having had their hair cut or ears pierced without the parents’ permission. That might be a fast ticket to supervised visitations! If you’re in doubt, ask the grandchildren’s parents, and respect their decision.

4. Keeping secrets

Having a secret with your grandchild sounds innocent enough, but it’s never a good idea. There is a difference between surprises and secrets. Surprises are things like a present or a party, things that will eventually be revealed. Surprises are a fun thing to share. However, children should never be encouraged to keep a secret from their parents. Besides damaging the lines of communication between parents and children, it can begin the process of a child learning to keep important information away from their parents. Never ask a child to be part of a lie, even a small white lie. It sounds dramatic, but asking a child to keep a secret from their parents is often the first step groomers use to set up abuse. Safe adults don’t ask children to keep secrets.

5. Playing favorites

It may be normal to gravitate toward a grandchild who has similar interests to you or is easygoing and fun. It is unacceptable to show signs of having a favorite grandchild. Showing favoritism is hurtful and can’t be allowed. I will admit that I struggled a little bit with this one. Because I provided part-time child care during the first year of my grandson’s life, we were bonded like superglue. His little sister came along during the pandemic, and we didn’t have the same opportunities for time together. Now that she is three and her brother is in school full time, we’re making up for lost time. One-on-one time is so vital to building a solid relationship. Even if you secretly have a favorite grandchild, your actions can never reveal that favoritism!

Grandparents are human, and we’re bound to make some mistakes. However, there’s a significant difference between a harmless mistake like putting a grandchild’s shoes on the wrong feet and a potentially deadly mistake like letting a young child ride in a car without a car seat. It’s the parents’ number one job to protect their children from both physical and emotional damage, even if it means limiting a grandparent’s access to grandchildren.

Have you experienced, or maybe committed, any of these mistakes? Are there others that you consider serious violations?


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Categories: Grand Life