Eldest Daughter Syndrome

She was already an overachiever in Kindergarten! (Back in the days of Mother-Daughter matching dresses!)

“I never have to worry about you, Alexandra. You are so responsible and make such good choices.” I said this all too often to my eldest daughter, thinking I was paying her a compliment. I didn’t understand until recently that this was a mixed message of approval and also a burden. There has always been a heavy load of expectations placed on the eldest daughter in a family. Now, their role is getting noticed.

Talk of birth order is back, specifically focusing on the role of the eldest daughter. My child got a double whammy as she is also the oldest daughter of a single mother. Talk about high expectations and responsibility overload! It wasn’t good parenting that she had to take over caring for her little sister’s bloody nose when I was too squeamish. I thought I  was complimenting her when I told her she could have been raised by a pack of wolves, and still turned out great.

Maybe I should have taken the hint that she was a bit too Type A when I asked if she wanted to skip a day of school and go to the zoo. She said, “Oh no, Mom, I have way too much work to do. I could never miss a day of school!” She was in Kindergarten! In hindsight, I expected her to take on too many adult tasks and emotional burdens.

She was only fifteen months old when she became the eldest daughter. A little too young for eldest daughter responsibilities.

Signs of Eldest Daughter Syndrome

According to licensed marriage and family therapist Kati Morton, there are eight signs you might have the “eldest daughter syndrome.” This is her list:

1. You have an intense feeling of responsibility
2. You are an overachiever, Type A, and very driven
3. You worry a lot and probably have anxiety
4. You struggle with people-pleasing behaviors
5. You have a hard time placing and upholding boundaries
6. You resent your siblings and family
7. You struggle with feelings of guilt
8. You have a difficult time in your adult relationships

The oldest daughter often becomes a sort of bonus parent, according to Morton. Sometimes, the oldest daughter is asked to bear too much of the emotional and physical burdens of the home. This may be true, especially in families with many younger siblings they are expected to care for or in families where the economic situation requires the eldest daughter to contribute financially. It’s normal and beneficial for children to do chores and have responsibilities in the home, but when is it too much?

What is Parentification?

In cases where the eldest daughter is expected to take an active role in raising her younger siblings, a phenomenon known as parentification may occur. Parentification occurs when a child is forced to take on a developmentally inappropriate parenting role. This can be physical, such as paying the bills, doing the grocery shopping, cooking meals, and providing child care, or it can be emotional. Emotional parentification is when the child, usually the oldest daughter, is asked to provide a high level of emotional and mental support for parents. Emotional parentification is the more burdensome and complicated form of parentification.

Effects of Eldest Daughter Syndrome

The Eldest Daughter Syndrome can cause some lifelong issues such as depression, anxiety, and struggling with relationships. Sage Therapy of Chicago offers some good suggestions to address the effects, such as setting boundaries, delegating responsibilities, and self-care activities. It’s also helpful to connect with others who have similar experiences.

While researching this topic, I took the opportunity to discuss the issue with my oldest daughter. She feels like she had, and continues to have, an intense sense of responsibility. She also agreed that she is very driven and Type A. However, she thinks those positive personality attributes allowed her to achieve her goals in life. The eldest daughter’s role was somewhat diluted in our situation because of the close age gap between my kids. My oldest said taking care of her younger sister’s frequent bloody noses was just good preparation for her career in the medical field. She’s a glass-half-full kind of person! Or maybe she’s just trying to make me feel better since Mother’s Day is right around the corner. Parenting is a landmine of guilt, and I’m all too happy to avoid one.

Maybe some of the qualities of the eldest daughter helped her achieve her goal of becoming a veterinarian.