Don’t Tell My Husband That Stepparents Aren’t “Real” Parents

Our wedding day, when Steve became a parent.

He wasn’t there for their births, the night feedings, or endless pacing with sick babies. He missed out on their first steps and the first visit from the tooth fairy. But he was there to teach them to ride bikes, to do geometry, and most importantly, to model what a good father should be for his family. Does biology determine what makes a “real” parent, or is it the person who steps up and is there for the child?

There has been a recent trend to devalue the role of stepparents, but I am here to say that stepparents are often actively involved in raising children. Many stepparents assume the role of parent, and there are bio parents who opt out of parenting completely. Genetics alone does not determine the function of a parent. If they did, the stepparenting naysayers would also be attacking adoptive parents and anyone else who does not have a biological tie.

If anything, I believe stepparents have an even more challenging role. Stepparents usually come in after the opening credits roll and are expected to co-star with the biological parent. There are often invisible boundaries a stepparent must respect, and sometimes they have to help heal emotional wounds they didn’t create. It’s almost a rite of passage for a stepparent to hear, “I don’t have to listen to you; you’re not my ‘real’ parent,” at least once. Patience and unconditional love are a requirement for this role.

My husband and I got married when my daughters were 11 and 12. Steve had no children from his first marriage, and although he was happy to be stepping into a ready-made family, we all had to make the necessary adaptations. Steve had always hoped to have children and was ready and willing to take on being a stepparent or, what we more accurately called his role, a parent.

Don’t tell my husband or other stepparents they aren’t “real” parents when they are usually the ones who are there for the day-to-day activities associated with parenting. Steve was there every night for family dinners and back-to-school nights. He was there for teenage friend drama and countless slumber parties when our house was taken over by a dozen girls. Steve was there every night to go over math lessons and help proofread English papers. Don’t tell my husband a stepparent is less than a “real” parent when he was the one who taught them to drive and stayed up late many nights to ensure they were home safe. If he wasn’t a “real” parent, why was he the one who moved them in and out of dorms and apartments? A significant part of parenting is showing up.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders criticized Kamala Harris for not having children, saying, “Unfortunately, Kamala Harris doesn’t have anything keeping her humble.” I’ll speak on my husband’s behalf and assure you that our kids (and yes, they are OUR kids) have done plenty to make him both a proud and sometimes a humble parent. Not being genetically connected to our daughters does not bring immunity from being emotionally tied to them.

It’s not a competition between parents, or it shouldn’t be. There is room for the biological parent and the stepparent. It doesn’t need to be a competition if the adults all act like adults and keep the children’s best interest as the top priority. Kerstin Emhoff, the mother of Kamala Harris’s stepchildren, is a vocal supporter of Harris’s role as a stepparent. Thankfully, my ex-husband is much the same, always acknowledging the wonderful job my husband has done as a parent. We keep the children’s best interests, and now the grandchildren’s, in mind. We’re not perfect, but we try.

My husband is a stepparent, although we never use that term. Like many other blended families, we’ve come up with our own terms of endearment. He’s another parent, and the last time I checked, there was no limit to how many parents you’re allowed to have. My ex-husband and my husband are wise enough and kind enough to know there is room for both of them. A “real” parent has little to do with biology and everything to do with love!

“A stepparent is so much more than just a parent: they made the choice to love when they didn’t have to.” — Unknown