Do the Boy’s Parents Get the Short End of the Grandparenting Stick?

“A daughter is a daughter all of her life, but a son is a son until he takes a wife.” This quote has been attributed to many people and passed around for generations. Boy moms hate it and swear it won’t happen to them, but too often, it comes true. Nowhere is it more clearly manifested than in the unequal grandparenting roles. Is it true? Do the paternal grandparents get the short end of the grandparenting stick?

I only have daughters, so I had to rely on my friends to weigh in on this subject. Promised confidentiality, people were willing to share their experiences as paternal grandparents. My informal study seems to mirror what is found in academic studies; maternal grandparents tend to have closer emotional connections with grandchildren.

Mothers and daughters

Mother-daughter relationships are notoriously intense, both in positive and negative ways. When grandchildren arrive, it’s most often the maternal grandmother who steps in to help. The pandemic changed delivery room rules, which may have been a good thing when it came to family arguments about who should be in the delivery room. Some boy moms insisted on equal opportunity to be there for the birth of the grandchild, claiming they should have the same opportunity since it’s also their grandchild being born. Although that’s true, it is the woman who is going through the delivery. The person giving birth gets to call the shots on who is there to help.

When asked, most will deny it, but research shows that most grandparents have a preference for their daughter’s children. Some reasons were cited, with the predominant one being easier and more frequent access to the grandchildren. Even when the daughter and her children aren’t close geographically, daughters tend to be much better at communicating with daily texts, phone calls, or Facetime. Maternal grandparents are often privy to the daily details of their grandchildren’s lives, creating a feeling of connection. Another strange reason cited is the question of paternity. This feeling is subconscious but verified in research. Obviously, the daughter is the mother, but there may be unspoken doubts about paternity.

Although there may be some shifting in traditional roles, it is still predominantly the female in the family who plans the social get-togethers and holiday gatherings. It seems only natural that if the woman is planning, the family ends up spending Thanksgiving with the woman’s family. Don’t blame the daughter-in-law. The situation might change if men took more responsibility for handling the emotional load of parenting and planning family events.

Divorce

Mothers are awarded custody in about 82% of divorce cases. Divorce significantly changes the role of grandparents. In most cases, the maternal grandparents become more involved because the mother of the children needs more assistance as a single parent. If the father has limited time with the children, the paternal grandparents typically have less time with the grandkids.

Of course, there are exceptions where the paternal grandparents maintain close ties with their former daughter-in-law. The custodial parent is the “gatekeeper” for the children. A good working relationship with the custodial parent is essential for paternal grandparents who want to stay actively involved with their grandchildren. Grandparents often provide a sense of stability and security for children during the stress of their parent’s divorce. In most cases, maintaining the ties between generations benefits all.

In the rare cases when a father has custody of the children, the paternal grandparents may experience a significant increase in involvement. One grandmother I spoke with reported helping her son out by providing childcare after he gained full custody of his children. Because of the assistance she provided, she has a close relationship with her son’s children.

Holidays

We’re heading into the holiday season, a time when the paternal grandparents feel the sting of inequalities most sharply. Some people who confided in me spoke of feeling left out during the holidays or like second choice when spending time with their sons and grandchildren.

Some families solve this issue by taking turns. Thanksgiving is spent with the maternal grandparents, and Christmas is spent with the paternal grandparents, and then they switch the following year. Other families solve it, like our family does, and invite everyone to share the same celebration. That takes the stress off of the young family. Driving from house to house with young children in tow and eating two holiday meals does not make for a joyful holiday. Our family has some divorces and remarriages among the grandparents, which can cause a few awkward moments. However, we’re all adults and can come together for an afternoon of family harmony. Fake it if necessary. Do it for your kids and grandkids.

Communication and Compromise

Most issues in life can be solved by communication and compromise. If you’re the son, reach out to include your parents. Send them pictures of the kids, text them news about them, arrange visits, or Facetime with them. This is your job, not your wife’s. She’s got more than enough on her plate.

Paternal grandparents might need to assert themselves a little more. Issue invitations, offer babysitting so the parents can have a date night, ask for the grandkids’ extracurricular activities schedule, and show up at events. Ask what you can do to be helpful.

Maternal grandparents, including myself, should be sensitive to the feelings of paternal grandparents. Invite them to family gatherings. Make sure not to intrude on the other grandparents’ time. Don’t try to outdo the other grandparents when it comes to gifts. This shouldn’t be a competition; if it were, the maternal grandparents would have a bit of a head start, so be generous and gracious.

Grandchildren are one of the best parts of getting older. Whether you’re the maternal or paternal grandparents, treasure your time with your grandkids. There may be some truth to the adage, “A daughter is a daughter all of her life, but a son is a son until he takes a wife,” but it doesn’t have to be your family’s story! Nobody needs to take the short end of the grandparenting stick!

What is your experience with maternal vs. paternal grandparents?