Connecting With My Teenagers
Like many ‘80s kids, one of my favorite childhood memories is of the year we unwrapped our first video game console. It was an Atari 5200, and it came with three games: Centipede, Pac-Man, and Galaxian. My brother and I lost countless hours of our lives playing that thing, and it would spark a lifelong love of video games that I still have today.
I never got very good at Nintendo, even if I would end up wasting plenty of time playing Super Mario Brothers in my twenties between shifts at the Olive Garden with my friend Kate — she would always have to limp me through to the next level. I preferred first-person shooters like Doom and those big game hunter arcade games.
These days, I find a lot of video games frustrating and overly complicated, although I really love playing Fallout on my days off. But when my kids asked for a Nintendo Switch so they could play Mario Kart together with the whole family, I knew I would end up playing Mario Kart myself even though I’m absolutely awful at it. And even though the kids love playing their video games alone or together, there’s just something about having a parent join in that makes it extra fun for them. And to be perfectly honest, I think they really love a chance to be the experts showing their adults the ropes for a change.
When kids get older and more independent, it’s easy to start parenting on autopilot and let them do their own thing. I’ve seen plenty of folks in Facebook parenting groups talking about how their teens come home from school and then go right to their bedrooms or out with friends — and those are the kids who aren’t spending half their out-of-school hours on athletics and other extracurriculars. These frustrated parents will often express the challenges of trying to connect with their kids and a sense that communication is becoming more difficult.
The fact that we only get so many precious hours with our teens before they’re out on their own and grown is never far from my mind, so when they want to play Mario or, out of nowhere, want to hang around the adults’ bedroom talking about their favorite anime, I count my lucky stars. I want to support my own kids’ need to set boundaries and become more independent, and I think it’s important to find ways to be there for them without compromising that sense of independence. And finding ways to be present and connect with teens makes it easier for them to approach us when they need support, advice, or other types of parental connection.
Besides losing to them at Mario Kart, here are a few more ways I connect with my teens:
1. Ask for their help in the kitchen.
Even if I don’t need their help, I like to invite one kid to join me in the kitchen and help out. It’s a chance to teach them much-needed adulting skills while building their confidence. It’s also an opportunity to help them experience the satisfaction of knowing they’re making a valuable contribution to their family. And it also gives teens a low-pressure space for hanging out with parents.
One thing I really try to do is let my teens direct how they want to contribute. This might mean asking them what they want to make for dinner or what they want to do to help with the meal. For example, one of my kids was disinterested with the bread buttering job but immediately perked up when I let them take on the more challenging job of chopping onions.
2. Watch their videos.
If your teens are willing to share their videos with you, count your blessings. My kids love sharing their content with me, and although it’s not always what I would want to watch, I try to set aside a few minutes and watch from time to time because I know it makes them happy to share their interests with me. This also gives us something to connect on and gives me a better idea of what they’re into these days.
3. Listen to their music.
Like many parents, I don’t always dig my kids’ taste in music. One of them is really into video game music, and another is into a rather frenetic EDM subgenre called breakcore. But they really want me to hear their songs sometimes, and I want them to feel comfortable sharing their interests with me and feel validated. Sometimes, I’ll ask them to pick out music when we’re just playing songs around the house or in the car.
4. Allow them to infodump.
Not all teens are into infodumping, but neurospicy teens (and adults) tend to love it. I’m not always in the mood to hear every little detail about their latest obsession, but I try to make time for them every once in a while and really let them just go off about it.
5. Text with them.
Gen Zers and Alphas are often more comfortable chatting by text than face-to-face, and this is especially true for my autistic son. Our whole family uses Facebook Messenger to chat both individually and in a family chat, even if that family chat is primarily memes and pics most of the time.
6. Respect their privacy.
Another important, easy way I build trust with my teens is by allowing them to have their space when they need it. Even though we have an agreement that we can check their Internet activity if we have reason to be concerned, we don’t make a habit of it. I also make a point of knocking before I open their doors and asking for permission to come in because these were luxuries that weren’t afforded to me when I was growing up, and I want them to feel secure in their own space.
Is there anything you do to connect with your teen that I should add to my list? Let me know in the comments, and have an emotionally rewarding week in your little nebula!
