Birthday Tributes

My aunt had hoped, wished, and prayed for her father to say “I love you.” She had spent her life trying to earn his love. Even when she was in her 70s, she was still trying to win his words of love and praise. She died before he did, and at the funeral, my grandfather stood at the side of his daughter, saying those three coveted words over and over as tears ran down his face.  Although I felt some sadness for my grandfather, I mostly felt angry that he had been so stingy with his sentiments when his daughter was alive. What good did his “I love you” do for her after death?

The word eulogy means high praise for another, whether written or spoken. The word eulogy is most often associated with speaking about someone who is deceased. I’ve been to enough funerals to know that a good eulogy can be healing for the mourners. Why can’t we say those words of praise and love while people are alive? Most of us would love to hear what other people think about us. Or at least I think we want to know. Those thoughts led me to form a new birthday tradition in our family.

After my aunt’s funeral, I began thinking about how so many people crave words of affirmation yet never get them. Why are we so stingy with words of affirmation when people are alive and then spread them so abundantly after a person dies? I know some who almost reached sainthood, according to their post-death accolades, when their lives were far from perfect. From those ruminations, a new tradition was born—the birthday eulogy! Or maybe the term birthday tribute is a little more palatable.

At the beginning of the tradition, it was just me and my daughters, and it was simple. We all shared a favorite memory of something that occurred in the last year of the birthday person’s life. The three of us had some good laughs and enjoyed replaying highlights of the past year. It was a great bonding experience. Then, we started adding people to our family, and the tradition evolved.

As the kids grew up and left home, it was a natural occurrence that we wouldn’t have as many shared experiences to talk about on birthdays. We were also adding people to the celebrations, which seemed to call for a change. We can now choose between sharing an experience or discussing what we love about the birthday guest of honor. Often, it’s a combination of the two.

We’re a family who loves traditions. Carried over from my childhood, we always have homemade tacos with all the sides for birthday dinner. The birthday person can choose, but you get funny looks and disparaging comments if you choose anything that isn’t tacos. One year, my father made the mistake of choosing beans and cornbread as his birthday meal and we never let him forget that poor decision. Dessert is cake and ice cream, of course.

After the song is sung, the wish is made, the candles are blown out, and the cake and ice cream are served, we get down to serious business. Everyone knows what’s coming, so there’s no excuse for not being ready with a thought to share. Even three-year-old Sylvia is always fully prepared with a kind word or two for the birthday person. As we eat the cake, we go around the table, showering the birthday person with praise and love. You can almost see the glow from the compliments. The birthday person leaves the party full of tacos and cake, but even better, they feel loved and celebrated.

I love our tradition and would be happy if anyone else wanted to adopt it. It’s the simple things that often create the best memories and traditions. It may sound trite, but it’s true: life is short. Appreciate people while they are here on earth and leave nothing important unsaid.