Birdnesting After Divorce

Divorce can be traumatic for everyone involved, especially when there are young kids involved. The aftermath of a marriage breakup is felt in waves and ripples for years to come. The first year can be especially difficult as everyone adapts to the inevitable changes. Many adjustments must occur, but one that can sometimes be avoided is a change in residence for the children. That’s where birdnesting comes into play.

What

Birdnesting, sometimes called nesting, is when the children stay in the family home and the parents take turns moving in and out. Shared custody is becoming more common, with the typical arrangement being one week at the mom’s house and one week at the dad’s house. In birdnesting, the children stay in the same place, and the parents take turns living in the home with the kids. It’s a reversal of the normal experience of expecting children to be shuffled back and forth.

Why

One of the most challenging aspects of divorce is the loss of stability for the kids. For some kids, having to move back and forth between mom’s house and dad’s house can be a source of stress and add to feelings of insecurity. Staying in their familiar home with all their things is much more comfortable, physically and emotionally. It seems to make sense for the adults to adapt to moving back and forth rather than expecting the children to adapt.

Where

This is where it gets a little more complicated and possibly expensive. Where do the parents go when they aren’t in the family nest? If money isn’t an issue (says almost no one), the ideal situation would be three residences. Each parent would have their place and then take turns being in the family nest with their kids. If the divorce is amicable, it might be possible to share the second home and take turns staying there while not being the actively nesting parent. Some may be able to stay with friends or relatives when they’re not nesting.

When

This arrangement is most feasible in the early stages of the divorce. It might be a temporary situation to help ease the transition of divorce. As the years go by, changes inevitably occur, making nesting no longer possible. When one of the parents enters a new long-term relationship, it might be time to re-evaluate the arrangement.

Making it work

Birdnesting is the ultimate in co-parenting. If it can be done, it seems ideal for the kids. We ask children to accept a lot of changes during a divorce. Instead of requiring the kids to pack their bags and move every week, it only seems fair for the parents to experience that level of inconvenience.

Communicating openly and honestly with the kids is important so they don’t harbor fantasies that their parents are still together. However, if you can negotiate through sharing the family nest, it will be a great example of compromise for the children to witness. Whether the parents are married or divorced, it’s essential that children continue to have a connection with both parents.

Birdnesting can only work if a divorced couple can co-parent well and cooperate effectively. There must be a level of trust for a divorcing couple to consider sharing a space.

I got divorced when my kids were very young, and I wonder if this would have been a workable solution in the early years.  Our kids were so young that my ex didn’t take them for overnight visits for the first two years post-divorce. Later, there were a few times when I went out of town, and my ex stayed in the house for a week at a time. It was easier for the kids to be in their home. It worked for a week here and there, but I’m not sure we could have maintained that arrangement for the long term.

Do you know anyone who has successfully done birdnesting with their ex-spouse? If you knew it would make divorce easier for your kids, could you do it? It’s an interesting idea, and I’d love to know if it worked for you!