7 Tips for Fostering Healthy Relationships With Teenage Kids
As the mom of three teenagers — two who just turned 18 recently — I know how lucky I am to have a close relationship with my kids. Exactly how lucky I am is reinforced every time I pop into a local Facebook parenting group to see moms expressing frustration at how out of control their kids are, how they feel that the child they once felt close to was somehow body snatched by a stranger they don’t know or understand.
My heart goes out to those families, both to the parents and their kids, because these situations no doubt hurt both ways. The parents feel lost in the woods, and the kids still haven’t developed the physiological tools and general capacity to express how they need their parents to connect with them.
Every family is different, and I don’t necessarily think what works for our family will work for everyone else. But after working with teenagers for years as an educator and then becoming a mom to three neurospicy teens myself, I have found a few ways to help make connecting with my teens easier. I don’t know if any of these ideas will work for you, but I’d love to share what works well for us just in case they can help someone.
1. Encourage reflection instead of snapping back
My kids are some of the sweetest, most respectful kids I know, and they’re generally pretty good at communicating. But I understand that they’re not grown, which means their bodies are still growing and changing. There’s a whole ocean of complicated hormones and chemicals flowing through their brains, and that can sometimes be hard to navigate, especially for neurospicy kiddos who can’t always easily understand their own bodies or process what’s going on around them.
When the teens get snippy with me or there’s any kind of familial conflict with the kids, I keep this in mind. I resist the urge to lay into them or lay down the law in favor of a strategy that teaches them to reflect on their own feelings and why they’re responding that way. Often, I’ll ask them to sit with me and tell them what they’re really trying to say in a kinder way. Are they upset with me, or are they just feeling reactive? Almost invariably, just the simple act of letting them know I’m not mad at them but I want them to practice interacting in a kinder, more productive way will cause them to immediately apologize. Whereas raising my voice with them or responding harshly tends to put them on the defensive, simply asking the kids to slow down and reflect on what they’re really trying to say gets them to reevaluate their own behavior.
2. Be honest and vulnerable with the kids
Sometimes when I’m struggling with a situation where I feel like my kids and I can’t get on the same page, I will just straight up tell them I’m struggling. I’ve been very honest about what I went through as a kid with a parent with no positive parenting tools. Like a lot of Gen-X kids, I was raised by a parent who routinely belted us until we had welts on our skin. But, as I’ve shared in this blog before, mine took things a step further under guidance from the Focus on the Family tough love method by doing things like regularly grounding us to our rooms and then placing a distressingly loud alarm on the upstairs door so we couldn’t go downstairs; taking away all of my clothes except for one outfit and forcing me to wear that to school day after day; giving us the silent treatment and refusing to speak or interact with us for weeks at a time; listening in on our phone calls and searching my belongings for notes between friends to ensure we didn’t tell anyone about the situation at home; and raiding our bedrooms in the middle of the night on a school night, dumping out drawers, and then forcing us to stay up cleaning. And that’s to say nothing of the near-daily screaming at our dad downstairs or on the phone, screaming that would last for hours and well into the night.
My brother and I were so afraid we would abuse our kids in the same way that both of us were in our 30s before having them, and we were both terrified of how we would handle it. So when I ended up raising my brother’s autistic/ADHD son after his death to sepsis, I often found myself feeling like I wasn’t equipped to handle being his parent, especially while juggling jobs and two twice exceptional kids of my own.
I decided early on that I needed to be real with them all and let them know I was doing my best, but I might not always make the right decision, and I wanted us to work together as a family so we could keep trying. We even have a family motto we borrowed from Doctor Who: “Together, or not at all.”
As my kids grew older, I decided to be vulnerable and honest with them about the type of parenting I experienced as a child — not to complain or trauma dump, but simply to help them understand where I was coming from. I would tell them honestly, “I have tried this chart method, and it’s not working. This is hard for me, because the only way I learned to treat our home and belongings respectfully was getting beaten, so I learned to do what I was told out of fear. I don’t want that to be the reason you learn to be respectful; I want you to do it because you see how hard we work to provide you with a nice home and you want to help keep it that way. Do you have any ideas how we could do better together?”
Or I might say something like, “Guys, it really is hard to be a parent, and I hope you can see that I’m trying even if I’m not perfect. Do you think you can meet me halfway here?” Also: “I know this is hard for you to understand, but I need you to respect my decision even if you don’t agree with it. I am trying my hardest to be a good mom, and I hope you can see that, but if you need to be mad at me that’s OK because I’d rather you be mad at me than harmed in some way. I love you.”
3. Explain your reasons for things
I don’t always feel I owe my kids an explanation for every decision I make. I don’t owe them one. But I have found when I take the time to clarify why I’m making a decision or asking them to do something, it helps them to have more respect for my role as a parent overall.
For example, I don’t just tell the kids to shut off the gaming console. I give them a heads-up with a little notice, letting them know how much time they have left so they can wrap up their gameplay. I also remind them that too much gaming time is unhealthy for their brain development because, like anything that triggers the brain’s reward system, game play needs to be limited or they’ll experience problems like irritability and trouble creating enough dopamine and serotonin while doing other activities.
My kids have told me many times that one of the reasons they do what I tell them to without question is because I’m not a “Because I said so” parent. “I respect your opinion because I know you,” Arthur told me recently. “I know that if you ask, it’s important to you, so I do it.”
4. Be consistent with boundaries
When I was growing up, I wasn’t really allowed to have friends hanging out at our house. At the same time, I was endlessly grateful for the safe space provided by my church youth group, which would send a van around to pick up all the teens who needed a ride.
As a mom, I’ve always strived to maintain a home with open doors, one that could function as a similar safe space for kids to hang out in — and my children have been grateful for this, bringing friends who stayed for the day, the weekend, even for weeks at time. Some might be an only child who is just bored at home with nothing to do; others might have a chaotic house full of younger siblings they need an escape from; and others might even have a home more like the one I grew up in.
Whatever the reason, they’ve always been welcome to hang out and watch anime, do crafts, play games, and eat from our table. But before anyone tosses their shoes in the shoe basket, my kids lay down our expectations: pick up after yourself, no rudeness, and be respectful.
At least twice, we’ve had young guests who struggled to understand the fact that we don’t yell and rarely punish our kids, mistaking this for meaning they can act however they want to or that there are no rules here. On both accounts, our teens were quick to set them straight, explaining that the reason we are so lenient is that they respect our rules and boundaries, and that anyone who doesn’t want to do that won’t be invited back anytime soon.
I’ve also encountered this misconception online when the subject of gentle parenting arises. Folks who don’t understand what gentle parenting entails will often mistake this parenting style for a free-range, no-rules parenting style, but it’s far from it. In my home, for example, we have a zero-tolerance policy for angry yelling, name-calling, and disrespect — a policy that goes both ways. Other examples include respecting each other’s belongings and personal space and respecting shared spaces by picking up our trash, for example.
Just as I don’t allow raised voices, I don’t raise my voice with my kids or husband. That’s not to say we don’t have moments where family members slip; it’s just that when they do, it’s immediately called out and we either take a time out or try to resolve the problem by taking things out without violating our household rules.
It’s also important to remain consistent with those boundaries. Even if you decide to let something go in the heat of the moment, it needs to be addressed as soon as everyone has calmed down, and, if appropriate, some sort of restorative justice needs to be made. This might mean an apology, or it could mean taking on a sibling’s chores or spending one’s own money to replace something that a teen broke or damaged due to poor impulse control. Whatever the resolution, they need to experience the stages of understanding the intent versus impact piece of their actions and actively showing empathy to resolve things with the person or people they’ve impacted.
5. Talk to a therapist
I’m often surprised at how many teens my kids know who would love to go to therapy but their parents won’t let them. I know from talking to other parents of teens that one of the big reasons parents don’t get their kids into therapy is because they’ve got another co-parent who feels doing so would suggest there’s something wrong with their kid. That’s because a lot of us grew up in a world where therapy was stigmatized in that way, and if you were seeing a therapist, it meant you were probably neurotic in some way.
But friends, we’re facing an unprecedented mental health crisis, and your kids are about to go from the pressure of a stressful school day most adults would find intolerable to entering a workforce where one person’s salary at most jobs isn’t enough to pay for basic living expenses. Beyond that, every teen could use a trusted adult to talk to and work through the challenges of growing up, and the last thing I would want is for my kid to keep something they’re feeling buried way down deep inside because it’s not something they feel they can talk to a parent about.
TLDR: Therapy is for everyone, really! It gives kids a place where they can just kind of touch base about their lives, about their feelings and what they’re dealing with every day, a place to validate their emotions. All three of my kids see a therapist, and they absolutely love it. I first signed up Noah through Family and Children’s Services as part of his autism support years ago but later signed up Arthur and Lucy as well, realizing that they could probably use someone to talk to one-on-one.
If your kid is on insurance, their insurance will almost invariably cover therapy — especially if they’re on a Medicaid program like SoonerCare. Native American health services also include access to therapy.
And therapy’s not just for the kids — it’s actually great for everyone. You might be surprised to learn just how much having a space just for you can help preserve your calm as a parent.
6. Empower their independence
One of the most powerful parenting lessons I ever learned came from Arthur when he was a tween. We were on a press trip to Plano, Texas, for TulsaKids that included a ropes course adventure. I was pretty excited about the whole thing right up until I learned only one person could be on a platform at once, which meant my ADHD 12-year-old would be responsible for securing his own carabiner, the one thing that kept him attached to the ropes course above the 30-foot drop to the ground below.
For the first time, I had to stop being a smother mother and step back, trusting in my kid — and he did great. I realized that with me stepping back instead of smothering and hovering, he was so much more confident. I internalized the lesson, incorporating it into my teaching style as their parent. Now, whether I’m teaching them to cook or make a repair, I tell them what to do but resist the urge to do it for them.
7. Watch their content and listen to their infodumps
When you’re an exhausted, overworked parent, the idea of checking out that viral video or sitting through an anime when you’re really not into anime can seem less than appealing. And you don’t have to do it all the time — but I promise that when you do set aside time to actually watch that thing they’ve been begging you to watch or listen to the band they’ve been obsessing over will go a long way in making your kids feel seen and connected to you (not to mention seeing you as a fun parent without having to compromise a single household rule!). It also gives you something to talk about together and gives you a little window into their world.
As teens grow older, parents will often increasingly feel like they’re losing touch with their kids’ interests and worlds. I try to remember that, depending on their age, between all of the schoolwork, performances, work, whatever that’s sucking away little moments of our lives, I may only have a year or two left as their full-time parent. Knowing the day will one day come when I’d give anything to hear these guys droning on about their favorite content creator, I try to give them a little time every day to just listen to what they have to say.
I also set aside time to watch that movie or anime they’ve been begging me to watch. Most recently, that meant watching the entirety of the anime “Made in Abyss” and the Markiplier movie “Iron Lung.” As we sat down to watch, I could see my kids almost physically vibrating with excitement to share these things they loved so much with me.
It’s also just generally good to know what they’re into these days. I’ve lost count of how many news stories I’ve seen with kids who were watching questionable or problematic content the adults had no idea about because they just never really showed any interest in what their kids were into. It’s important to give teens some privacy and personal space, but if your kids are spending all day in their bedroom with the door shut, that’s not a good sign.
Do you have any tricks for building strong, healthy relationships with your teens? Let me know in the comments, and have a beautiful week in your little nebula!
