Are Baby Boomers Terrible Grandparents?

Did you know there’s a social media war between millennials and baby boomers? I was unaware of this conflict until my millennial daughter brought it to my attention by sending me a few links. As I read the articles she sent me, I felt indignant on behalf of my generation. Are baby boomers, in general, terrible grandparents, or does the millennial generation expect too much? What is going on between the generations?

The Millenials’ Argument

First, let’s define who qualifies as a millennial. The millennial generation was born between 1981 and 1996. Most of them were the children of baby boomers who were born between 1946 and 1964. Millennials assert that their parents are not good grandparents. They claim that their parents are uninvolved, selfish, and not helpful. Many say they were latchkey children who spent weekends and summer vacations with their grandparents, and they want the same for their children. They feel like their parents should be repaying that favor by helping with childcare for their grandchildren, but they claim that their parents are too busy living their lives and refuse to babysit. Another factor that plays into this situation is the fact that millennials are delaying parenthood until later than previous generations, which means their parents are older (and more tired) grandparents.

The Baby Boomers’ Response

In response to these accusations, many baby boomers argue that their children’s expectations are unrealistic. The baby boomers have already raised their children and don’t want to repeat that role. The younger generation often has difficulty understanding that their parents do not have the energy to manage long days with young children. The activities we take for granted when we’re young parents, such as lifting kids in and out of car seats, can be too strenuous for an older person.

Some baby boomers simply don’t want to relinquish their free time to care for grandchildren. They love their kids and grandkids, but after a lifetime of working and caring for children, they are ready to be free of daily childcare responsibilities. Baby boomers know that their time on earth is coming to a close. There is more time in their past than in their future, and they want to make the most of it. They want to travel, play pickleball, socialize, and have adventures.

Who is Right?

No one and everyone. In a perfect world, the generations could find a way to reach a compromise that makes everyone happy. As with most issues, the solution is communication. Talking honestly and openly can be awkward and challenging, but it’s the key to understanding the other person’s perspective. Having realistic expectations is critical. I provided childcare three days a week for the first fifteen months of my grandson’s life, and it was a bonding, memorable time in my life I’ll never regret. However, the more mobile and active he became, the more I realized it wasn’t a sustainable situation. Fortunately, my daughter and I discussed it, and she made other arrangements. She may not be able to fully empathize with how it feels to be in your 60s, but she respects my boundaries.

I believe the war between the generations is highly exaggerated. Gross generalizations and a strong presence on social media lead us to think there is more of a division than there is, or maybe I’m naïve. I heard there was a Baby Boomer Death Clock and that millennials celebrate each time a boomer goes to their “forever box.” I’m going to choose to think a minority feels that way. I wish I didn’t know there’s a Facebook group with over twenty thousand members called OK Boomer, It’s Time to Get in Your Forever Box. I’m almost positive my millennial children aren’t rooting for my death. Who would host Christmas?

My Conclusion:

My completely non-scientific conclusion is that both arguments have some validity. Most of my cohorts are absolutely in love with their grandchildren and love spending time with them. However, providing full-time child care is not a popular preference. Young parents are often stressed financially and exhausted from work and children. If the older generation can help out, all generations will benefit, but it’s also acceptable to have limits.

One of the regrets of my early years of parenting is my completely unrealistic expectations of my parents. It wasn’t until I became a grandparent that I could empathize with their situation. Yet, I also remember being a working mother with young kids and how desperately I needed support and assistance. As a grandparent, I strive to find the right balance of providing some assistance while maintaining my hobbies and friendships. It’s important to talk honestly and try to understand the perspective of the other generation. According to some millennials grading scales, baby boomers may come up short in some areas of grandparenting. We may not be perfect, but I will defend my generation and say we are not terrible grandparents!

What level of involvement with grandkids is ideal for you? Do you think your grandchildren’s parents have realistic expectations of you as a grandparent? If you’re the parent of young children, would you like your parents and in-laws to be more involved?