“I Have Butterfly Powers!” Six Ways to Help Girls Maintain Their Confidence

“Grandmom, I have butterfly powers!” My three-year-old granddaughter loves telling me all about her superpowers. When I took her to her very first ballet class a month ago, I watched her as she confidently walked into the ballet studio without a look back. She is full of self-confidence and is amazingly brave. She has me convinced that she does, indeed, have butterfly superpowers!

What

I hope Sylvia can hold onto that confidence, but if statistics ring true, she is vulnerable to losing her butterfly superpower. According to studies, there is no discernible difference in confidence levels between boys and girls until age eight. Between the ages of eight and fourteen, girls’ confidence levels plummet by thirty percent! Even after puberty, the gap between male and female confidence never closes. A thirty percent drop is a significant number and causes me to wonder why this happens. More importantly, how can parents and grandparents intervene to prevent this change?

When and Why

Around the time of puberty, girls are hit from all sides. They face the powerful impact of emerging hormonal signals, cultural forces, social media, and the pressure of expectations that can be difficult to achieve. The female brain develops differently. The prefrontal lobe develops earlier in females, which is a good/bad thing. The development of the prefrontal lobe gives girls emotional intelligence that enables them to see the consequences of actions and make wiser choices.

That sounds good, but it means they take fewer risks, which also sounds positive but has a downside. Taking reasonable risks is an essential part of the process of building confidence. In contrast, boys’ brains at puberty begin releasing testosterone, which promotes risk-taking behaviors. Trying new, difficult things helps build confidence.

How

How can parents, grandparents, and caregivers help girls maintain their level of confidence in those tough years between eight and fourteen? According to Katty Kay And Claire Shipman, authors of “The Confidence Code for Girls: Taking Risks, Messing Up, Your Amazingly Imperfect, Totally Powerful Self,” there are six ways to help girls retain high self-confidence.

1. Encourage her to step outside her comfort zone

Let your daughter know it’s normal to be afraid when doing something uncomfortable. Do it anyway. If possible, provide opportunities for her to try new activities or learn a foreign language. My parents got me involved in competitive swimming at the onset of puberty. I was absolutely terrible initially, but with my parents’ encouragement, I persevered. Eventually, swimming became a significant part of my life that increased my confidence. Finding a niche, whether in sports, academics, art, or chess club, can build a child’s confidence.

2. Have her keep a list of risks she’s taken

Remind her of the times she has taken a risk and what she’s learned through the process. Help her have some key phrases she can use to get herself through intimidating situations. “I’ve got this!” “I can do hard things!” are encouraging sayings. Journaling is also helpful.

3. Teach her “failure fixes”

If you take risks, there are sure to be some failures. Teach your daughter how to deal with disappointment. This can be done with distractions that keep her from focusing on the failure, looking at the failure from a different perspective, or using humor. Share a story about a time you had a failure and how you dealt with the experience.

4. Discuss the worst-case scenario

Discussing the worst-case scenario is helpful. What’s the worst thing that could happen if you try out for the debate team but don’t make it? Probably the worst outcome would be temporary embarrassment. Discuss possibilities and how she will respond.

5. Learn to “change the channel”

Self-blame, worrying too much, and overthinking seem like predominantly female traits and begin early. This is due to a combination of hormonal and cultural influences. Learning to change the channel can be very helpful! Teach your daughter to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts by developing habits of interrupting the harmful thoughts. Replace them with positive, endorphin-producing actions such as taking a walk, playing music, or looking at art. Developing a mental “happy place” is vital for getting through tough situations!

6. It’s okay not to please everyone

As a parent, it’s easier to have a compliant child. In my generation, girls were taught to smile and be “good girls.” However, we need to make sure our daughters know it’s not their job to make everyone else happy. Being a people pleaser, following all the rules, and trying to be perfect can backfire. Our daughters need to know they can speak their minds, be assertive, and talk about their accomplishments. Females are often socialized to be submissive, which isn’t a quality that will help them navigate the adult world of jobs and relationships.

I would love to see my granddaughter avoid the dip in confidence that hits girls around the time of puberty. I want to see her and all females grow up and maintain their confidence and feeling of empowerment. Yes, Sylvia, you do have special butterfly powers! Hang on to those powers and soar through your life!

Books

In addition to “The Confidence Code for Girls,” here are some other books to help girls maintain confidence. Most of these are geared towards girls between the ages of eight and twelve.

1. Dear Girl by Amy Krouse Rosenthal
2. The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey
3. The Gutsy Girl by Caroline Paul
4. Girl Stuff for Girls Aged 8-12: Your Real Guide to the Pre-Teen Years by Kaz Cooke
5. Girlwise: A Guide to Being You by Sharon Witt