Over the River and Through the Woods to Grandmother’s House, We Go.

My parents have been gone a long time, but Thanksgiving makes me long for those big family gatherings at their house. They didn’t have a big house, but somehow, it seemed to expand to hold all their adult kids, spouses, grandkids, and almost always a sprinkling of friends and acquaintances. The noise level reached crazy levels as ten conversations went on, televised football played in the background, and children ran through the house excitedly shrieking. The chaotic sounds of joy and family filled my parents’ home.

Along with the happy memories is a feeling of regret. I cringe when I think of how I showed up with a bag of store-bought rolls or a few bottles of pop and somehow thought I was contributing. My parents were in their 70s and 80s and still hosting all the family holiday gatherings. My sisters and I blithely assumed they loved having the hordes of noisy children and grandchildren descend on their house, eat all their food, and leave a mess. We acted as if it were our birthright to be guests at our parents’ house and passive recipients of their hospitality.

We weren’t total mooches. We all brought some meager offerings and made weak efforts to help out, but we basically reverted to being children. I know my parents loved having family all together, but I also know it was a lot of work! As the only child who lived in Tulsa, I witnessed the aftermath of exhaustion. As my mom waved goodbye to the last out-of-town family, she always said the same thing, “I was happy to have them, but I’m happy to see them go!” Then she collapsed on the couch. That should have been my clue to help more.

Now I’m the grandparent, and family gatherings are at my house, but my kids are much more helpful. I’m also more honest in my communication. Cooking is not something I love to do. My oldest daughter and her husband love to cook, so it makes more sense that they do the bulk of the cooking. All the guests are pitching in with pies and side dishes. My daughter has all the attributes associated with the oldest child. She’s an organizer and communicator and likes to be in charge. I’m happy to give her the reins. In exchange, I will entertain her children while my daughter and her husband take over my kitchen. I think I’m getting the best deal.

If you’re lucky enough to have parents alive and you’re going to their house for Thanksgiving, here are my five tips.

1. Communicate

Be honest and encourage your parents to do the same. Do they still want to host, or are they tired of that role?

2. Contribute

Please don’t follow my example and show up with a bag of store-bought rolls or a bottle of pop. Ask your parents what they need and make a significant contribution, such as a few side dishes or pies. Show up with more than your fork!

3. Elbow Grease

Help your parents prepare by going early and setting the table or assisting with cooking. Stay late and wash dishes. Once again, communicate and ask what they want you to do.

4. Offer to Host

It’s probably too late for that offer this year, but get it on the table for next year. Maybe it’s time for your parents to be the guests. Don’t you think they deserve it after all these years?

5. Be Gracious

Express your thanks verbally and again the next day. I should have been more thankful, but I didn’t realize how much work went into hosting until my parents were gone. I wish I’d sent flowers, or at least a thank you card, the day after Thanksgiving.

I’ve been on both sides of the Thanksgiving hosting role. This year, 19 people will be at my house for Thanksgiving, and I couldn’t be happier. If you follow my blog, you know that we dramatically downsized this year. It’s going to be crowded in our small house. There will be people sitting at the kitchen table, card tables, some on a couch, and, if the weather holds, some sitting by the pool on patio furniture. It won’t be fancy, but we’ll be with people we love, and that’s what makes me thankful. Whether dinner is served on fancy china or paper plates, be grateful for loved ones and be sure to thank the hosts. Yes, even if they’re your parents!