Question: My husband and I argue a lot. We try not to do it in front of the kids, but the older they get, the harder it seems to keep the conflict away from them. The oldest often comes in whenever he hears us argue to check on us. This can’t be good, but what can we do? We don’t want to put them through a divorce but are not happy with each other either.
Answer: It seems like there are two issues here, the needs of the kids and the needs of your relationship. Kids want their parents to be together in a good relationship. They want the two of you to be happy so they will feel supported by two parents in a strong and stable world. The arguments shake up their feelings of safety and stability.
Let’s start by looking at what can be done for your marriage.
I always like to first focus on what drew you together at the beginning of your relationship. It can sometimes be very difficult to remember it in the midst of raising a family, making ends meet, and struggling to nurture yourselves, your kids and your relationship.
Whether you two ultimately stay together or separate, for everyone’s best interest, you must develop a way to handle conflict. Recently a co-worker used a football analogy to describe the importance of these skills. She said, “A football player would not go into a football game without wearing his shoulder pads, knee pads, helmet and face guard. Why would a husband and wife go into a relationship without the skills needed to handle conflict? Conflict is one thing that is sure to happen in a marriage.”
Your children also need these same skills as they learn to deal with conflict in their own lives.
Perhaps you and your husband first need is to make a commitment to learn how to fight, then you can decide what you both truly need for the future of yourselves and your family.
What the current Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP) research has shown over the past 20 years is that marital satisfaction goes down when the first child is born and goes up when the last one leaves home. There is a very good reason that you two are struggling with balancing this stage of life. Make sure that you don’t think it is just your marriage.
This is a great reason to put some energy into the relationship rituals that give energy to a marriage rather than drain it. Remember, whatever you learn now will only help — whether it is in this relationship or a future one. You will also always have a relationship with your children’s other parent, so you both might as well figure out how to work together for the children’s sake, whether you decide to stay together or not.
You can take advantage of free help for relationships. I recommend that you start with a six-week PREP class or the Within Our Reach Program (similar but targeted to parents with children 8 and younger) offered by Family & Children’s Services (587-9471). These classes will enable both of you to be part of a larger group, while learning skills to tackle life’s problems without damaging one another or your children. You will learn effective ways to talk about issues such as money, discipline, or the influence of friends and family.
Once you have the skills under your belt, then you can decide if you both want to practice what you’ve learned, go further with marriage counseling, or start talking about a different kind of conflict-free future for your kids.
Research also shows that marital conflict creates the most problems for children. They often feel responsible for the differences, and the conflict can make them feel insecure about their own future and safety. Verbal, physical and emotional abuse leaves scars.
Children will follow the role modeling the two of you have shown. That in itself is a major motivator for most parents to improve communication and to structure discussions about differences.
If your kids are showing signs of needing new ways to communicate, try reading and practicing How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. They model an effective structure for communicating that will also work in your marriage.
If your children are asking questions like, “Are you and Daddy going to get a divorce?” let them know that you are working on learning how to communicate better. Apologize for all the fights so they know that you don’t believe this is normal for all families. Tell them the things you are trying to do to improve the way you communicate. If you and your husband are committed to working things out, let them know that. If you are unsure about the future, let them know that you are doing the best you can. If you are going to a class, let them know. It is a powerful message that adults can ask for help and continue to learn new skills.
They may talk about their fears that you may get a divorce. Ask them why they are worried. What made them think about it and how do they feel about that possibility?
Whether or not you and your husband decide to stay together, learning to communicate without being adversarial will help everyone. Mediation and collaborative law can reduce the conflict when partners are not able to stay together. I hope for you, your spouse, and your children, that together you can work things out and create a safe home where all of you can thrive. Good Luck! |
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