The creative, eclectic atmosphere at Evergreen State College in Olympia, Washington seemed a natural fit for poet, musician and actor, Ian Picco. A 2004 graduate of Union High School and a member of Union’s prestigious Reparatory Theatre, Ian had been a quiet, creative leader with many friends. However, shortly into his first semester at Evergreen, he found himself homesick and blue. “The biggest thing was being so far from home and my family,” says Ian. “I was taken away from all that security—that web of friends and family. I had to make a whole new set of friends.”
Ian soon found that his roommate was not going to be part of that “new set of friends.” “My roommate was a little crazy,” says Ian. “He had a very irregular sleeping schedule, drank excessively and couldn’t handle stress very well.”
“I had no idea what to expect,” says Ian about attending college. “I tried to go into it with an open mind and open heart. I had heard the clichés of college life, but I wasn’t expecting to experience them. You’re finally living on your own and you have all this freedom, but you have to think about how to use your time. You might not be eating properly, you’re lonely, you’re not exercising, you have unhealthy sleeping habits—after a while your body just gets depressed. Then you have to ask yourself, ‘What do I do now?’”
Homesickness
According to Susan Fee, LPC, author of My Roommate is Driving Me Crazy!, homesickness is a natural part of leaving home. “It doesn’t mean you are weak, only that you have experienced love and security in your home life—and that’s a good thing!”
You may find, as Ian did, a longing for the people and places where you feel most secure. “When you are homesick you start to focus on everything that you don’t have anymore,” says Fee. “That only increases homesickness. What you focus on expands,” says Fee. She challenges students who are homesick to explore their new world with a curious eye. “Pretend you are a travel writer,” says Fee, “learn one new thing a week about your new environment and share that with your family and friends [back home].”
Fee also encourages students to bring a piece of home with them to school. “Pack special items that remind you of home and give you comfort like your pillow, stuffed animals, pictures, posters, music and specialty food items. “And remember,” says Fee, “homesickness is temporary. As you gradually get used to your new surroundings, you’ll grow more comfortable. You’ll also gain a sense of confidence and independence by knowing that you can learn to adjust.”
Easing Adjustment
Though Ian went into his college experience with an “open mind and open heart,” his tendency to isolate when stressed made his adjustment more difficult. “Whatever a student’s natural response is to stress, college will magnify that 10 times,” says Fee. “If you tend to pull in and isolate under stress, that will be magnified. It’s easy to put on your ear buds and not be bothered.”
Expectations can also play a critical role in adjustment to college. “If you walk in with an attitude of ‘Hey this is cool,’ looking at college as a new experience, you will adjust much better. If high school was a struggle or if you are just trying to get out of Dodge, you may have a rougher time.”
Opening Yourself to Friendships
According to Fee, students frequently come to college with the expectation of making a lot of friends. “The question then becomes, how will you initiate the lifestyle you want to achieve? Will you join a club, a local congregation, a study group, a social support group?”
Here are some of Fee’s tips for making friends:
• Get Out—hiding in your dorm room will not help you meet new people! Join study groups, campus clubs and organizations, hangout in the coffee shop, or exercise in the rec center.
• Smile—The surest way to strike up conversation with someone is to smile, look the person in the eyes and say, “Hi.” If you are shy and hope others will approach you first, it could be a long wait. Take it upon yourself to make the first move.
• Show interest in others—The more you show a sincere interest in others, the more likeable you become. Ask questions about the other person, such as, “How’s class going for you?” or “What other classes are you taking?” or “What have you heard about this professor?”
• Share something about yourself—A good conversation is balanced, so share a little bit about yourself, too. Start with topics like personal interests, hobbies, classes or major, your hometown, favorite movies or CDs. Give people enough information so they remember you without dominating the conversation.
• Build on common interests—The best friendships are based on common interests. If you discover the other person is interested in the same things you are, build on it. If you both like the same local band, invite the person to see a show. If you share the same class, ask to study together. If you both drink coffee, invite him or her to the local coffee shop.
• Make sure it is good for you—Not every friendship is a lasting one. Here’s the bottom line for any relationship: After spending time with the person, do you feel better or worse? If being with that person makes you feel good, then it’s worth developing the friendship. But if being with the person makes you feel bad, used, angry, or compromised in any way, it’s time to end it and move on.
Roommates
“Some kids think their roommate will be their buddy,” says Fee. “If that works out, great! But if it doesn’t, what will you do? Part of the college experience is learning to become flexible and adaptable.”
Here are Fee’s tips for making peace with your roommate:
• Talk. If something is bothering you, bring it up in a non-defensive way rather than assume your roommate can read your mind. It’s possible that your roommate may not even be aware of the problem.
• Focus on behavior, not personality. It’s not reasonable to ask people to change who they are, but you can ask them to tone down how they express themselves, especially when it’s invading your turf. So, you can’t criticize someone for being “perky,” but you can ask for someone not to talk so much while you’re studying.
• Stay flexible. Be willing to look at your own behavior. Consider what you could do differently to help the situation instead of only blaming your roommate.
• Start with one pet peeve. There are probably tons of things your roommate does that get on you nerves. But nothing kills a relationship faster than listing dozens of reasons why you don’t like a person. Instead, both of you need to list your number one pet peeve and focus your energy on solving that first.
• Consider the positives. Before you decide that life would be better with a roommate exactly like you, think of what you could gain by living with your opposite.
Reach Out
“You don’t have to be clinically depressed to reach out for help,” says Fee. “Campus counselors want you to come in and talk. They are prepared for it and know how to help.”
For Ian, things began looking up by second semester. “I started getting up and getting out of my dorm room and exercising,” says Ian. “Exercise is a very good thing! Your physical and mental health go hand-in-hand.” Ian also made an appointment with a trusted professor to talk about how he was feeling. He found that school personnel were “ready and willing to deal with those kinds of issues.” He also made use of the telephone to call friends and family back home, but he didn’t want them to solve his problems. “I was really intent on seeing if I could work this out on my own.”
“Negotiating life situations, solving problems, and resolving conflict are skills college students are there to learn,” says Fee. “Feeling overwhelmed and not knowing what to do is an awful feeling. But, when you make that first move and do something to help yourself, you grow in confidence and self-esteem.”
For more information on coping with college, visit Susan Fee’s website at www.myroommateisdrivingmecrazy.com.
Sidebar1:
Note to Parents: Listen, Don’t Rescue
“The calls will start coming in about two weeks into the semester and they will tug on your heartstrings,” says Susan Fee, LPC, author of My Roommate is Driving Me Crazy! “Your job is to listen and to coach.” Fee warns parents not to try to save their son or daughter by coming up with solutions to their problems. “By ‘saving’ them you are saving them from maturing,” she says. It’s far better if parents just listen and ask, “What would you like to do about this?” or “What do you need of me right now?”
She reminds parents that their son or daughter will call when they are most upset and will often not call back when the problem has resolved. Parents can be left worrying long after their child has dealt with their problem and moved on.
Fee encourages parents and students to set up a regular schedule for communication. “Negotiate with your son or daughter on how often you are going to communicate and who will initiate the contact. Will it be by phone or by e-mail? This way you know you will be getting regular updates.” She encourages parents to say something like, “‘We agree we are going to talk at this time, but if you ever need me, you know you can call.’” If you get more calls than are scheduled, you will know that you child is going through a difficult time and needs greater support.
Sidebar2:
Is it the Blues or More Serious Depression?
“It’s not easy to start a new phase in your life,” writes Jennifer Wider, M.D., in The Doctor’s Complete College Girl’s Health Guide. “College is a new enough experience that you can definitely expect it to bring you down sometimes. But if depression has become a state of mind, rather than a temporary mood, and if the downs start to take over your life and make it difficult for you to function, you may have a problem.”
According to Wider, it’s time to get help if you experience several of the following symptoms for more than a couple of weeks:
1. Constant feelings of sadness, anxiety or “emptiness”
2. Loss of interest in activities that you used to like
3. Changes in sleep patterns (too much or not enough sleep)
4. Changes in appetite or weight (not eating and losing weight, or eating more and gaining weight)
5. Long periods of crying for no apparent reason
6. Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness and hopelessness
7. Lethargy, lack of energy, and a constant feeling of being tired
8. Memory difficulties or problems concentrating
9. Inability to function normally in everyday activities
10. Preoccupation with death and/or suicide
The good news is that depression is very treatable. Counseling sessions and/or medication can bring the color and excitement back to your life.
Sidebar 3:
Susan Fee’s 25 Tips For Dealing with Stress
College can be stressful because there is so much to deal with: roommates, dating, classes, finances, parents, job interviews or just life in general. Here are 25 healthy ways to de-stress and re-energize. These ideas won’t change your situation, but they will give you a chance to relax and regroup
1. Exercise
2. Listen to your favorite music
3. Visit a pet store [or animal shelter] and play with a kitten or puppy
4. Read a book for pleasure
5. Take a shower
6. Rent or go to a movie
7. Call a friend
8. Go to a park
9. Visit a museum
10. Blow bubbles
11. Go to a ballgame and scream
12. Light some candles
13. Take a nap
14. Plan your spring break or summer vacation
15. Buy some Playdough, balloons or a Slinky
16. Take a yoga class
17. Go for a hike
18. Read the comics
19. Buy some packing bubble wrap and pop all the bubbles
20. Play your favorite video game
21. Buy a 64-count box of crayons and color
22. Get some old vacation posters. Put them near your bed and daydream
23. Release upper body tension by rolling your shoulders forward, up, backward, and down. Repeat several times, and then reverse roll
24. Go to a batting cage
25. Make chocolate chip cookies (or just eat the dough)
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